Confessions of an Average Housewife

My job

2012-03-02T15:34:00.000-08:00

Confession: (This is a huge one)

I've been resenting my kids lately. That's terrible, I know. God forgive me. It's the truth.

I've been restless, irritable and discontent. Denying the fact, for weeks, that I want more time to myself, less mess in my life, less kid chaos, maybe even less time with them, entertaining the fantasy of putting the older two in school. So I could have more me time.

Yes, these thoughts would crop up and I would hush them, not even wanting to admit them to myself. And I would drudge through another day, not giving my children my best.

And then last night, as I lay in bed, this feeling of incredible and huge gratitude came over me. Unparalleled gratitude for my children. The reminder that they are gifts, pure and simple. And that I have been called to raise them, lovingly and to put in my best efforts. And that right now, this is my job. Because it is a job. But it's a job I'm blessed to have.

And I was thinking, too, about how my life used to feel so much simpler. A lot of things went into that but part of what's different is the amount of time spent on my writing. Though I love it, though I know it, too, is God given, it also takes a lot out of me.

Laying in bed, I remembered how when the first two were young we had all day at home together, and so much got done around the house, as well as in them, in their own personal growth. More than I feel they've been receiving from me lately. More than the two little ones have maybe ever received.

And back then I wasn't blogging. The internet ten years ago, also did not seem to consume me like it does now. I hardly remember using the computer at that time. Finally, I wasn't working on any writing project.

And life seemed nice. So, I made the decision to, for a period, even if only for a few weeks, put all my writing on hold. I have a long life ahead of me and there will be plenty of time to pursue certain goals in the future but my children will not be the ages they are now for long. And I want to pour more of me into them. I want to stop holding back parts of me for me. I want to have more time just to play with them, to work on chores while they work on workbooks. I just want to find a bit more ease in the now that we are in.

I know it looks like I haven't been blogging much anyway. But that doesn't mean that my mind hasn't been on the blog. There's a pressure I place on myself even when I don't actually make it here. So I'm lifting that for now. I'm going to try to recreate a bit of the old days. Days when I was still in total awe of my children and days when I didn't want it all. Days when I knew that I needn't strive and I understood that God had me right where He wanted me to.

Days that were less about me and more about them.

submitting at Weekend Reflections

walk confidently

2012-02-27T14:35:00.000-08:00

"...In your day and times this life seems meaningless, terrifying and full of suffering, violent and easily brushed across the veil because of a thousand menacing dangers. The purpose of the inward struggles for integrity, to live, even to simply exist, stupefies the philosophers who like all the rest grope blindfolded through the first human stages, for the mystery is not revealed at once, but day by day, little by little and only to the seeker...The events of your times , stages in human personalities of those with whom you must march add to your darkness and confusion. Under these circumstances of human living great can be the loneliness and the suffering...But the hope and the wonder is that a change comes, a dawning,when you reach a place, when you step forward and choose wisely. You have acted upon your choice, you have stood your ground and have not weakened so that we can tell you to walk confidently carrying your dawning with you...within you is the light, within you is the freedom, therefore with eye turned inward you are safe...."

2012-02-22T12:15:00.000-08:00

"What is without periods of rest will not endure."

-Ovid

with Watery Wednesday

Grace falling

2012-02-20T12:59:00.000-08:00

So, I've been thinking about death. And life. And friendship and fears and a multitude of such heavy, ponderous things. And I wanted to come here and sort it out and share but I feel inept because the subjects are vast and complex and because I've been out of flow and out of practice... but here I am. So, please forgive if my fingers and my mind don't do justice.

One of my closest friends lost her step-father last week. And this morning we got caught up. I had no words so I listened.

And what can I even say now, here?

Only that maybe death is an opportunity to see grace fall. Grace, like rain. A downpour, drenching and we can either turn our faces heavenward and let our tears mercifully mingle with the soaking sky or we can try and hide, stay dry all the while knowing that at some point we won't be able to escape.

This, the only awkward way I can find to describe how I felt as my friend spoke of her family's closeness, their wisdom, their journey through the pain. My first thoughts were that they were 'handling' it well. But that word handling didn't seem to do it justice. Neither did the words, accepting or embracing. So, contemplating, listening, I just thought of grace. Grace given, grace shown. Grace bestowed. Grace like rain. Rain received with grace. And how when someone possesses grace, when they've been given grace -it shines, creating a prism of color for all to bear witness to God's goodness.

Scallop shell of quiet

2012-02-12T08:29:00.000-08:00

"Go your way step by step. Now is the appointed time to do your part: and your part, as you know well, cannot be done with righteous and breathless rectitude, but by being receptive so that you can be used as a channel, which is part of being a temple of the Spirit. It is the antithesis of noise and dubious fame; be the silent ones, anointed, with rod and staff and the scallop shell of quiet and the promise of truth."

Light and Joy

2012-02-05T12:09:00.000-08:00

"The life of the godly is full of light and joy..." -Proverbs 13:9 (NLT)

submitting at Jumping Tandem

Real Life

2012-02-03T04:53:00.000-08:00

It is 5:41 am. I have been awake since four am and out of bed since 4:30 am. So forgive if this post is less than polished.

Funny, that for so long, I've been desiring to rise early and write. And yet the plan was to be up before the kids to write in silence. I just never seem to be able to get up before them. And even this morning, I am up because they are up. Why they were wide awake at four is beyond me, but after hushing them for a half hour to no avail, I stated that we might as well just get up.

I decided to take advantage of the sunless morning sky and write and yet, not without the chaos of the children,who are already loud as they are at any given hour of the day. Please, Lord, don't let this hour become a habit.

Envisioned life, is me writing in quiet with coffee to a sunrise, greeting the kids with a smile as they wake hours after me.

Writing anyway at this hour, with four kids in four different directions appears to be real life.

for Five Minute Friday

The Quiet Game

2012-02-01T13:15:00.000-08:00

I have been pondering words. Praying for a word. Not a word, as in a word from the Lord which is prophecy but a word from the Lord for the year.

I have considered and discarded a few already. Considered and shelved some others. And then there's the one I've considered and prayed about and said, "Are you sure?" to God, not sure it was relevant.

It's the word, quiet.

When I hear it, I wonder if I hear correctly because I don't think I have a problem with this. But I read Proverbs 18 today and verse after verse confirms:

"The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters,
but the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook. (v.4).... A fool’s lips bring him strife,

and his mouth invites a beating.

⁷ A fool’s mouth is his undoing,
and his lips are a snare to his soul.

⁸ The words of a gossip are like choice morsels;
they go down to a man’s inmost parts. (v.6-8)...He who answers before listening—

   that is his folly and his shame.(v.13)... The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge;
   the ears of the wise seek it out.(v.15)... From the fruit of his mouth a man’s stomach is filled;
   with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied.(v.20)

and oh my goodness....

The tongue has the power of life and death,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.(v.21)

So, 'quiet' it is. I guess God is saying to me what I often say to my children:

Source: wanelo.com via Nicole on Pinterest

Home

2012-01-31T11:05:00.000-08:00

We made the choice to move from Arizona to Iowa for many reasons. The choice to come back was made perhaps for even more reasons.

When we left for Iowa in 2005, I was sick of the desert, the lack of seasons, the 'brown'.

We returned home in 2011 and it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Driving over the border from Colorado and into Arizona, the scenery was flat, brown and sandy but my heart swelled with joy and we are blessed to be living in a house near the neighborhood I grew up in where there are more mature trees than the newer developments in Arizona.

But even the expanse of desert no longer bothers my aesthetic senses. In fact, up in north Scottsdale, one early morning, the sun still not shining her fullest, I felt the desert quite beautiful and peaceful. This appreciation has grown within me.

Perhaps because Iowa was my metaphorical desert, the true desert I grew up in now appears as an oasis. It's funny what the mind can do. Iowa had some simple beauty but my heart belongs to Arizona. I'm a desert girl who needs the sun over snow, city lights rather than corn fields and I'll take our citrus and palm trees even over the majestic oak if it means warmth instead of cold.

You actually can go home.

Image courtesy of usborderfirereport.com

Unnecessary

2012-01-30T11:11:00.000-08:00

A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.

Carl Reiner

Thankful Thursday

2012-01-26T10:48:00.000-08:00

Thankful Thursday

Here are just a few:

Arizona. Since we've moved home, I've repeatedly given thanks that we were able to return. This beautiful January weather, makes me grateful that Arizona exists!

The support I've found during difficult times.

God's promise to be my strength.

Hope

Women who reach out to other women

Reminders that gratitude is key.

"Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God." Psalm 42:11 NASB

I'm okay with that

2012-01-24T12:04:00.000-08:00

"The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages." - Virginia Woolf

House cleaners came yesterday. Only because we rent and the owners are coming today. And my housekeeping skills lack a bit.

I'm a stay at home mom. I home school. But Molly Homemaker I am not. And I was so grateful that we were able to hire these women for this one day but as soon as they arrived, the tapes started playing. Those tapes saying that I'm not good enough. That there's no reason I should hire help when I'm a stay at home mom. That the house cleaners were judging me because the kid's rooms were so messy. And on and on and on. And I had the yuckiest feeling. Until I got mad. And told the voices to shut up. But it bothered me enough to prompt me to come here today and write it out. My indignation.

Indignation at the pressure that I've felt to be superwoman.

The myth of superwoman has hung on long after the media stopped airing fantasy-based commercials about working women's lives: Here she comes, home from the office after 12 hours of high-powered negotiations in the executive suite. Her designer suit is still fresh and unwrinkled, her face radiant and unlined as she opens her arms to greet her two adorable children—and sends a seductive glance toward her handsome husband, beaming proudly in the background. Watch her as, with one smooth motion, she slips off her jacket and into a dainty apron as she glides toward the spotless kitchen to create a three-course meal for her beloved family. After dinner she will check the children's French homework and read them a chapter of Jane Eyre before tucking the little cherubs into bed. While her husband watches the late-night news, she will disappear into the den to make an overseas call that will clinch a multinational deal for her company.
-Deborah J. Swiss

Yes, I'm a stay at home mom. Yes, I home school. No, I do not love to cook and clean. (Gasp). Now, I do those things. Because I feel that it creates a healthy and loving environment for my family. I believe that as a stay-at-home mom, my job is to keep the house up. But....

First, I am a child of God. Then, I am a wife and mother. Then, I am a daughter, a writer, a student, an artist, any number of things. And I got to thinking in that discomfort yesterday. If I simply woke up every day, taught the children and then cleaned until bedtime....wouldn't that constitute as a waste of my talents?

If we confine ourselves to one life role, no matter how pleasant it seems at first, we starve emotionally and psychologically. We need a change and balance in our daily lives. We need sometimes to dress up and sometimes to lie around in torn jeans. . . . Even a grimy factory can afford some relief from a grimy kitchen and vice versa.” – Faye J. Crosby

I think it would. So, I gave myself a break. And I'm going to continue to do so. Because we don't live in a pig sty. It's just that when I clean, things don't look quite so shiny. I don't fold the toilet paper into a little triangle. There are streaks on my windows after I clean them. And yeah, it had been a while since I'd cleaned the ceiling fans. I came to the conclusion that housecleaning is an art. No, I don't want to learn it. But I appreciate it as such, and so every once in a while, I'm willing to pay for it. And, this is not a sin. It doesn't make me a bad mother, or a bad wife or a hypocrite. It just makes me a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom, with an averagely cleaned house most of the time. I'm okay with that.

And just as an end note. The kids promptly did their best to destroy the place, moments after the house cleaners left. I think the super clean made them nervous.

submitting at A Pause on the Path

2012-01-22T11:16:00.000-08:00

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.-Anne Bradstreet

submitting at PhotoSunday

Exploring the world

2012-01-21T11:57:00.000-08:00

"Children are born naturalists. They explore the world with all of their senses, experiment in the environment, and communicate their discoveries to those around them."- The Audubon Nature Preschool

submission at shadow shot sunday

Quiet my mind

2012-01-19T07:58:00.000-08:00

This hits me right where I need it today. As I took my quiet half hour, and my mind spun, I spun gratitude and pleas to bring me back to His presence.

And I don't know when I became so anxious. I don't know when relaxing became so impossible. When did I start adding a million rules and regulations to my already busy days?

I felt God saying, 'You keep my commandments, so why are you adding to the list? "

I don't know. But I know it makes me miserable. And uptight and high strung.

Young continues, "Though many people think that beginning the day with Me is sufficient, they frequently go off course unless they continue seeking Me throughout their waking hours," reminding me how true this is.

Lord, quiet my mind today. Allow me to relax in You, trusting You with my tomorrows and with the next hour. Remind me that I am small.

Source: alifeofbeautyandgrace.tumblr.com via Nicole on Pinterest

2012-01-12T11:32:00.000-08:00

I am one of those people who has wondered if I should blog since the day I started blogging.

And now, in the new year, I am maybe more unsure than I've ever been.

My life circumstances have changed and though I walk in grace, I don't feel entirely sure that this grace will flow from my fingertips quite as well during this season....if that makes sense. Because though there is the light, there are more moments of darkness that I deal with on a daily basis now. And I'm afraid that might bleed out.

So, I am in a waiting period. On a lot of issues. And I am focusing on one day at a time.

2012-01-09T11:35:00.000-08:00

Source: lh4.ggpht.com via Nicole on Pinterest

I can easily forget all this. That God created this job for me on purpose....and that He will give me the ability and the strength to do it welll.

submitting at JumpingTandem

An Active Mind

2012-01-04T12:23:00.000-08:00

Like swift water, an active mind never stagnates.-Anonymous

submitting at Watery Wednesday

New Ideas in a New Year

2012-01-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

Open my mind to new ideas.

Source: wanelo.com via Nicole on Pinterest

Happy New Year!

I woke this morning, so happy to see the sunlight streaming into my bedroom. Sunny and warm in January; is there a better way to start a new year? I have to say, that I'm glad to say goodbye to 2011 although it brought me home.

Here's to new beginnings.

Leaning Heavily

2011-12-29T08:49:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I have no idea what the new year holds. I will say, I'm quite ready to be done with this year. It has been hard for me to even come here with all that's going on.

But today I'm here. Today is all I can focus on. I have to leave in God's hands the rest. The future. Or I'll go crazy. Really.

What I can do is focus-today- on what God is teaching me. Lately, He has been speaking to me on rising above the circumstances, on matching my intentions with my actions. I am not great at this. My intentions are seemingly established and then I fail to rise above and my actions display something entirely different than I intended.

I heard recently that it is wise to know our intentions first. Perhaps this seems simple, but it spoke to me. If I examine my motives, analyze what I intend, then maybe these intentions will be easier to keep. They will be more ingrained within.

Thou, therefore, my child, be strong in the grace that (is) in Christ Jesus...-2 Timothy 2:1YLT

It is His grace that enables me. So, I lean heavily these days.

Always found

2011-12-26T08:54:00.000-08:00

After Christmas confession:

This has been the worst Christmas for me ever. It's now over so I hope it's safe to say that. My favorite part of the season was the Shabba-Chanukah party we attended Friday night. Does that tell you anything?

Christmas Eve day, I tried desperately to keep it together while taking care of my last minute wrapping and keeping the kids entertained but clean and ready for service. I was painting a smile on my face but when I realized that six gifts had gone missing(?) I lost it. Not in front of the kids, but alone, the tears came.

And I started thinking. Maybe, there were tears that Mary cried on the day before Jesus was born. Or in the months leading up to. She would have been hormonal, right? And stressed even. She was pregnant with God's son. Not Joseph's. They were journeying far. And they arrive at their destination only to find 'No room at the inns.' Maybe she broke down a little. So, perhaps, waiting for Jesus, it's okay to cry under the pressure, wanting so badly the relief of his arrival.

And then I thought some more. I remembered the song 'The Little Drummer Boy'. And I prayed that me letting the kids make gingerbread cookies and ornaments would be enough for Jesus. He knew my heart wasn't in it this year. But I did what I could. I gave what very little I possessed.

And then I found the presents. And we made it to church. And that was beautiful. We ate Chinese food and read a Christmas story before bed and all in all it turned out okay.

Christmas morning, I tried to keep things jolly as well. We opened presents, and messed the house royally with polly pocket shoes, puzzle pieces, and play-do and at noon when the kids left, I again let the tears come.

But it's okay. Jesus is here.

We never did find the thumbnail Jesus from our nativity. And the last few weeks, every store I've been in I've looked for a replacement nativity....with no luck. I found one finally, on Saturday. So I bought it. It's still in its packaging to save it from the three year old's violent hands but I may just open it and take out baby Jesus.... to hold Him, to remind me that He can always be found.

submitting at Playdates with God

Dwell in the source

2011-12-19T09:34:00.000-08:00

December has felt a little mooney, a bit blah.

In fact, I can't quite believe we're this close to Christmas.

Circumstances in my life have shifted considerably and I'm already feeling the 'after Christmas blues'. Maybe, because November, in many ways was very special. In other ways it was very rough, but within that difficulty I could really hear God. And I'm not hearing Him as well this month.

Last night, a friend and I were talking and she said that she prays and she does her readings but one thing she just can't get is the meditation part. Meaning, her mind continues to wander whenever she attempts. I almost had to laugh, because she said it as though, she were one of the only ones with this problem. I told her that I was fairly certain most people had this problem. I'm reading Letters of the Scattered Brotherhood right now and it's a treasure of a book. It speaks quite a bit on going into the silence, hushing the outer man. If the Desert Fathers recognized the difficulty in meditating, certainly, we in our busy lives will find it near impossible. But I think that the more we practice, the more we discipline ourselves, we will find that God is waiting to meet with us in the silence.

This section really spoke to me. This is something I am certainly in need of practicing:

"May I say here that the mind cannot remember easily when it is full of criticism; you cannot afford to take umbrage, to have prejudices, nor hold to yourself these violent human emotions which flare up in human contacts. Let them go and dwell in the source of all love, infinite love"

The only way I have managed at all during this time is to pray for those I resent. To try to stay above the human drama and enter instead into the drama of Christ's love for me. The drama of His birth, His death, and enter, too, into my own dying to self for Him.

".....Prepare yourselves to be sons of God, rise to your full height and live most of your life in spirit while in the material world....The discipline of the body and the spirit is an exercise as old as time. The conflict of body and spirit, joy and sorrow, has been an accompanying mystery;"

I am practicing this picture of my inner man rising above. Staying above with the peace that surpasses all understanding. I heard a suggestion recently to breathe in with the thought, 'I am' and out with the thought, 'Peace'.

"I will give you a talisman to use in times of pressure, of drabness, of temptation. Say, 'There is no measured time at this place, no future, neither is there a past. I am in the eternal moment, the limitless, infinite, now.'"

Furthermore, I am in today. Today only. Only God know what tomorrow holds, so here and now, I am able to trust.

submitting at Playdates with God

Steps

2011-12-17T12:09:00.001-08:00

Saturday steps

Sure looks fun

2011-12-16T11:52:00.000-08:00

Our first winter in Iowa. The boy's first 'taste' of snow. It sure looks fun. But I know enough now to say that looks can be deceiving. It's all fun and games till someone has to shovel the driveway. Glad to be back in sunny Arizona complaining about the chill of sixty degree weather.

Now and Within

2011-12-14T10:45:00.000-08:00

"Each one of us makes his own choice; it is either the way of negation, a materialistic philosophy, or the way of the creative spirit, the Way of Life. 'But one thing is needful,' he said, and 'now is the appointed time.' One has said that 'two of the greatest words in our language are now and within.'"- Letters of the Scattered Brotherhood

wordless wednesday

This Christmas

2011-12-13T10:42:00.000-08:00

I'm not especially looking forward to Christmas this year. In fact, the past few holiday seasons have lacked their usual sparkle.

It's the commercialism, the greed, the way that as an adult I'm forced to see how retailers have hijacked that which ought to be reverent, special and holy.

But climbing atop a soap box doesn't help. All I can manage to do in any given day in any given situation is look inward. Where do I fall on the spectrum of greed and buying into commercialism. I'm sorry to say, I have a long way to go. And maybe what I hate is what's inside of me.

I do know that over the years, I have been given a holy ache. I have understood a little the word compassion. I have felt urged to sacrifice because I have so much. And I feel it's not enough. But I know God takes my little. He sees it.

Last year, my husband and I bought chickens through the Compassion program rather than exchange gifts. It was not much. But it was a place to start.

This year, we chose to sponsor a child through Compassion.

And still....

Still, I find myself this month, shopping madly to fill all my American aches. I fill not my Godly ache. I justify my shopping sprees by telling myself that I so often go without. How is this true? All my needs are met. All. And there are so many who lack basic necessities.

An Africa Drought Survival Kit costs $13. Same price as a video game on sale.

Food Baskets for Survival are $40. Twenty dollars more will buy a holiday food basket from Amazon complete with Camembert cheese, crackers, sweet butter and cookies, decorated with poinsettias.

$100 through Compassion buys a cow to give milk and food, things I take for granted, things which too often go to waste. This is half of what a leather jacket would cost.

I write these comparisons down to convict myself. To remind myself of the luxury I live in, which I'm blessed to be able to afford.

But as God has blessed me, might I now bless others.

Deck the halls

2011-12-12T12:03:00.000-08:00

Source: shelterness.com via Taryn on Pinterest

Deck the halls.......with poetry.

Yikes

2011-12-09T12:07:00.000-08:00

This is a little pathetic. It's a picture for Flashback Friday and it was taken Christmas 2007. First house in Boone, Iowa. Only three children. It feels like a lifetime ago.

It makes me chuckle, this picture. How the tree is dwarfed by the presents. The presents. How far we've come in so many ways.

I can assure you that our Christmas this year will not look like this. For many reasons.

I have moved slowly but surely from the commercialism since that time in my life. I don't want to teach my children that this is what Christmas is all about.

Funny how God moves us. Forward.

When it rains

2011-12-07T16:19:00.000-08:00

When it rains.....

"....let the Lord make you strong. Depend on his mighty power.....May God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give peace to the brothers and sisters. May they also give them love and faith." Ephesians 6:10,23

Lipstick

2011-12-06T14:37:00.000-08:00

Submission for Ruby Tuesday

Source: femailcreations.com via Nicole on Pinterest

I think I'll try it!

He is my refuge and my fortress

2011-12-05T10:43:00.000-08:00

Source: facebook.com via Nicole on Pinterest

Sometimes it's dark. But that's only because my eyes are weak. I'm breaking free and expecting the miracle of healing.

I'm all over the place right now, I realize, but bear with me. I'm desperate for change. Desperate for God.

New and Renewed

2011-12-04T12:24:00.000-08:00

Source: not-a-jot.tumblr.com via Nicole on Pinterest

Heading hopefully into a new and renewed spiritual awakening......expecting miracles.

Seeking Stillness

2011-12-03T10:52:00.000-08:00

Tired:

I am always tired, it seems. I have to continually remind myself that God will give me rest. And He is faithful in this but I add so much of my own chaos day to day that I often feel unrested.

So, I am learning to turn continually to Him for all my needs. To not only rise above chaos, but to not create it. This is no easy task. In Letters of the Scattered Brotherhood, there is a line I read this morning which says, "...this still Presence will give you complete majestic dominion over all mankind- that disturbing mankind within yourself.....Wake, then, little, perturbed, anxious, weary, frightened children, and stand released in this holy stillness."

So, I am seeking this stillness. And I can relate completely to the 'disturbing mankind within' myself. Meaning, I need morning after morning, afternoon, night, always to allow my crucify my flesh. It's painful because the flesh does not go willingly.

Something Waits...

2011-12-02T13:19:00.000-08:00

I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape - the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter. Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn't show. ~Andrew Wyeth

I don't so much prefer winter. And this winter has not come in well. But there is grace. I am at least not in cold country anymore.

I need to hold on desperately to that last line in Wyeth's quote. Spring will come. And I don't know what waits. But I know that winter is not forever.

So I focus on today.

Who

2011-12-01T09:18:00.000-08:00

Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.
Mark Twain

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."

Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

I couldn't resist. December 1st, today and in so many ways, I'm glad November is behind me. I've been away from here for a while because I participated in NaNoWriMo. And I 'won'! The experience is one I'm so grateful for and one which will take me who knows how long to process.

Going in, I almost thought of it all as a joke- for me. How would I write a novel, a brand new novel with all else in my daily life? But God, in His amazing way, found fit to bring to me an idea, to give me time off from my school, to come every day to where I wrote, and to teach me of Him, further and deeper. It was all a gift. Whether anything happens ever with my story, I know that it was an avenue He used to strengthen my relationship with Him.

And in the midst of that beautiful gift, my home life went haywire. Thankfully, not due to all my time writing. But circumstances, hidden, God chose to reveal last month and here, there are not words to describe the feelings behind the happenings. And I don't understand the timing anymore than I understand the circumstance,but I know that as I wrote about a girl seeking Jesus, Jesus sought me.

And so I don't know what the future holds. But I know Who holds my future.

wonderland

2011-11-29T10:32:00.001-08:00

Yay!!!

The Story Isn't Over

2011-11-24T10:31:00.000-08:00

Grateful for finding these words today at In Him We Live and Move and Have Our Being (and I'm feeling especially today as though without Him, I'd be unable to move as the living is so very hard right now):

"...we need not pretend that all is well in our lives in order to experience thankfulness. This coming Thursday, try to find at least one thing for which you can be grateful despite the tough times in which you may find yourself this year. It’s amazing how much happiness this practice can generate, on Thanksgiving, and throughout the year....Finally, knowing that the story is never over will help us to have a happy Thanksgiving....Could we acknowledge the good despite the pain of not knowing what could be coming?...Ultimately, I realized that we were holding back because the story wasn’t over. Then I realized that in life, our stories are never over, so why wait?"

You have been raised to life with Christ. Now set your heart on what is in heaven, where Christ rules at God's right side. ^[a]

²Think about what is up there, not about what is here on earth.

³You died, which means that your life is hidden with Christ, who sits beside God.

⁴Christ gives meaning to your ^[b] life, and when he appears, you will also appear with him in glory.....

You must quit being angry, hateful, and evil. You must no longer say insulting or cruel things about others.

⁹And stop lying to each other. You have given up your old way of life with its habits.

¹⁰Each of you is now a new person. You are becoming more and more like your Creator, and you will understand him better.

¹¹It doesn't matter if you are a Greek or a Jew, or if you are circumcised or not. You may even be a barbarian or a Scythian,^[d] and you may be a slave or a free person. Yet Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.

¹²God loves you and has chosen you as his own special people. So be gentle, kind, humble, meek, and patient.

¹³Put up with each other, and forgive anyone who does you wrong, just as Christ has forgiven you.

¹⁴Love is more important than anything else. It is what ties everything completely together.

¹⁵Each one of you is part of the body of Christ, and you were chosen to live together in peace. So let the peace that comes from Christ control your thoughts. And be grateful.

¹⁶Let the message about Christ completely fill your lives, while you use all your wisdom to teach and instruct each other. With thankful hearts, sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to God.

¹⁷Whatever you say or do should be done in the name of the Lord Jesus, as you give thanks to God the Father because of him.

1 Colossians 3

Always something beautiful

2011-11-22T08:53:00.000-08:00

Never say there is nothing beautiful in the world anymore. There is always something to make you wonder in the shape of a tree, the trembling of a leaf.
Albert Schweitzer

Tina's PicStory

2011-11-21T11:09:00.000-08:00

By mercy and truth iniquity is purged, and by the fear of the LORD men depart from evil. -Proverbs 16:6

Praying this today and lately.

Hard times have hit.

I am still writing. One week left!

Pray for me? That I might see and speak truth. That I might live and give mercy. For wisdom and kindness and peace....

This is the last leaf
in the year's book.
Now I come to grief
as the earth's breast goes hard and mean
and hay is packed for the manger. - Anne Sexton

Oh Angel of the blizzard and blackout, Madam white face,
take me back to that red mouth, that July 21st place. - Anne Sexton

2011-11-18T11:29:00.000-08:00

Fun stuff, kids. This is my husband being silly/romantic. That's the way he rolls.

Weekend reflections

Books

2011-11-17T15:41:00.000-08:00

A room without books is like a body without a soul. - Cicero

Thursday Challenge

Snow and Trees

2011-11-16T12:56:00.001-08:00

“I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says "Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

Love This

2011-11-14T15:14:00.001-08:00

Source: havenandhome.blogspot.com via Natalie on Pinterest

Trusting the Process

2011-11-10T16:46:00.000-08:00

It is the middle of week two of NaNoWriMo. I have experienced a bit of that block that 'they' say can come in week two. But I have been pushing through. And there are elements in my story that are painful. But I am also grateful to be exploring them. Because I had asked for healing. And I feel that this is part of that. And when I'm in flow, coming back to the real world is a bit hard. And I'm left with so much of my characters. But this is how it should be. I have to trust the process. I have to trust that this is God ordained. And I am grateful that I am not going it alone. And I am grateful that He meets me where I am.

2011-11-08T12:28:00.000-08:00

I love fresh flowers at home. It feels like a luxurious splurge - like I'm a rich lady! And those vases, too, I love. Garage sale find.

Deeper

2011-11-07T13:26:00.000-08:00

Update:

This last week has been rather magical. I've been happily wallowing in writing time As I go deeper into my story, I go deeper with God. And I am loving my searching main character. I have just a hint of what she finds and I'm excited for her. I just feel God's hand over me as I write and if nothing else, this is for me and Him.

"What is a novel if not a conviction of our fellow-men's existence strong enough to take upon itself a form of imagined life clearer than reality and whose accumulated verisimilitude of selected episodes puts to shame the pride of documentary history?" - Joseph Conrad

submitting at Playdates

Scenic Colorado

2011-11-06T13:11:00.000-08:00

Just a photo today. I'm writing away!

scenic sunday

Words

2011-11-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

"Gracious speech is like clover honey"

-Proverbs 16:24

Shadow Shot Sunday

2011-11-04T15:17:00.000-07:00

It was eight am. She'd been up for half an hour but hadn't moved from bed. She didn't feel good today. And she was trying to remember. She needed to remember. More so than usual. That dream had been important. For she hadn't spoken. She had listened only. This much she could recall. And what he spoke, was meant to be carried over.

For just a few more lines, click here.

2011-11-03T16:08:00.000-07:00

Source: victoriamag.com via Nicole on Pinterest

This picture helped inspire my writing for today.

Day 2 update and a confession

2011-11-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

It feels a bit magical so far, Novel Writing Month.

It seems that God is for it and I am being beckoned in by Him.

My school approved this month off. Brett's parents are in town this week and have had the kids. And I'm even here for a brief moment because I went over the word count goal yesterday! 5 pages of a brand new story has unfolded and I'm excited to see what comes!

One confession here: Although I'm enjoying all the writing time I'm also missing the children. They've been spending the night away - all of them- and being only a writer and not a mom would be sad and lonely, I've discovered.

Where I'll be for the next thirty days

2011-11-01T14:48:00.001-07:00

I will be here, if anywhere this month, or however long I last.

Novel in November

2011-10-31T12:13:00.000-07:00

The gold beckons. The story of the silver begs for shine.

It seems that this may be for now, that the fantasy wants fed while reality rests.

I called my school and it looks as if I just may be able to take November off. And I have a wisp of an idea. And, too, when really quiet I can hear God's breathing, the calling to come away. Sometimes these whispers take me deeper into an imagination, which is still somehow real.

That is how it was with the first idea. Which fueled me for so long but now has been shelved, maybe permanently.

And so I'm listening for the next invite to escape.

Tina's Pic Stories Playdates

November Looming

2011-10-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering what November's going to look like for me.

I still feel conflicted on the subject of blogging every day. In a certain sense I feel a little free when I let a day go by without coming here. But then I grow inexplicably worried that if I don't write here every day something will happen. What, I don't know.

I did have a clarifying realization recently: blogging is something I've really been able to stick with, without growing bored. Yes, I've experienced days of burn out or frustration and even writer's block but not boredom.

This is a big deal because my interest does wane easily. Case in point, the paper mache flowers I was so gung ho on making Thursday night, which have been laying unfinished and untouched ever since. I'll get back around to it someday. Maybe. The point is, that often I start out excited about a project or an undertaking and I enter in full force only to lose my desire half-way through. Not so with blogging. So I wonder, does this mean I should be doing it? Or is 'should' not even an appropriate word? And then I come across things like this:

and it resonates.

But too, I need to look at Ann Voskamp's Blogger's Prayer, often.

And now November is here. Which means what? It means that with Thanksgiving, two of the children have birthdays, I start a new class tomorrow....and I'm signed up for NaNoWriMo.

K.D. Storm describes it as, "NaNoWriMo is where somewhat sane people come together in November to write a 50,000-word novel in 30 days. There is no spell check, editing, or any other form of polishing. It is writing at its purest form. The whole idea is to sit in the chair and write until your heart is content (or you succumb to madness). "

A whole new exciting ~~problem~~ project!

I was pretty positive that I'd at least give it a shot this year. Until I saw the math. 50,000 words in one month equals close to 1700 words per day. Per day. With school papers and blogging? And kids and life? And housework and homeschooling and husband care? Hmmm.

But, I gotta give it a go. There's a good chance that by November 2nd, I'll have come to my senses. Then I'll just try again next year. I'm pretty sure there's no penalty for repeated attempts.

And so, it will be interesting to see what November brings.

Relevant

2011-10-28T12:46:00.000-07:00

It's evolved to the point that I shudder when I hear the word, 'relevant'. Which may not be fair.

Sadly, it's a word which has been somewhat abused in certain church circles. I'm not even sure what the term means in relation to Christianity. But I know what I've come to associate it with: the idea that the Bible is not relevant anymore on its own so God must rely on people of today to spice it up or water it down or (most of all) make it 'cool'.

That bugs me. The Bible is as relevant today as it ever was. I don't feel the need for youth pastors in today's fashions and Christian rock bands to convince me of this. Furthermore, I don't believe the next generation needs to be convinced of its relevance by means of leaders who conform to the world's standards.

I think we've been sold a lie and I think our intelligence has been underestimated.

I could probably go on for more than five minutes but it's Five Minute Friday so it's stop time.

What are your thoughts on this word?

Disclaimer: I understand that the term is used in many positive cases and in alliance with many positive causes and groups(like the Relevant conference which I so hope to go to someday); it's just that my immediate reaction always comes to how I've most often heard it.

Hand-picked

2011-10-26T13:43:00.000-07:00

One thing I am exceedingly grateful for in my life, one thing I come back to again and again, is friendship. The special friendships God has allowed me to cultivate.

And how He uses these friends to speak to my heart, to impart joy and wisdom. To aid me in revelations.

This morning I was praying hard, under heaviness and a dear friend called and through our conversation my spirits were lifted and my walk refreshed.

I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.

I love knowing that God has hand-picked for me women who compliment me.

I am blessed beyond words in this area.

Writing Helps

2011-10-25T21:02:00.000-07:00

I may not be able to stay away. Yes, the obsessiveness may just be too much.

I think I have a fear that if I don't write, I'll forget how.

I'm sure I won't really forget but there is something to be said about staying in flow. Staying in practice. In times past, when I've abandoned writing, it has been hard to pop back in. But on the flip side there's the issue of just not always having something to say....or at least something appropriate to say. Because I always have a million thoughts racing around, it's just that they're not all edifying.

And then, too, I feel an urge to write for a purpose. A reason. To let God speak through me. For whoever He chooses.

Because there's so much sadness, so much misunderstanding, and so many people who need to hear, in this world. And writing helps me to hear.

submission for just write

The way that I should go

2011-10-24T13:14:00.000-07:00

This weekend I met with a bit of unexpected freedom. I was too busy to blog. And I was okay with that.

"You're only here for a short visit. Don't hurry. Don't worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way." - Walter Hagen

I know that sounds silly but because of my somewhat obsessive nature, I had placed this regulation upon myself months ago that I would blog every day. I make up imaginary rules for myself, sewing patterns of pointless, restrictive routine. Taking the fun and the good out of it all.

I haven't figured out what all prompts me into these sort of actions but I'm guessing it has to do with some need for control. And perfection. And that perfection drive was dealt with these last couple days as well. Trying to calculate my final grade for the class I'm in, I realized that I'd forgotten to turn in two homework assignments two weeks ago. I had completed the assignments but never submitted them. Fifteen points in the class gone. My 4.0 wiped out. And, yeah, that's a bummer. But I think there's a lesson there. Striving for perfection is just plain stupid. I'm not perfect. And why do I need to be? What is a 4.0 going to matter in Heaven? Or even in life for that matter? Why do I add worries and requirements and rules to my life that God doesn't?

At times (many times) by brain seems to feed off chaotic, flitting and compulsive thoughts.

My soul and my body do not.

And so I'm choosing to take heed what God taught me this weekend. To slow down, to take off all that hinders, to let the Spirit rather than the flesh lead.

And this means my blogging may be spotty. So what. Nothing depends on it. I will come here but only as the Spirit leads.

"Let me know the way that I should go,
because I long for you...Teach me to do your will, because you are my God.
May your good Spirit lead me on level ground.." Psalm 143: 8,10

"...let us throw off everything that hinders..." Hebrew 12:1

playdates with God, the creative exchange, capturing beauty my perspective

Do Not Worry

2011-10-21T13:04:00.000-07:00

Submission for projectalicia

Beyond this day, I can't see.

So, I may as well live in the moment.

Always, I rush frantic, feel frenzied, but why? How fruitless is that? I feel as though I make up stress at times.

Source: sueswink.tumblr.com via Nicole on Pinterest

submission for weekendreflections

So I'm practicing looking at the moments and not beyond.

Do I have to do this right now? Yes, so do it. No? Then don't worry about it for now.

When I look beyond, even to the very next thing, I can't enjoy what I'm doing now.

He who knows the number of hairs on my head knows my to-do list. If I hand it over He is well able to aid me in prioritizing and accomplishing.

submission for weekend flowers and macrofriday and photoart Friday

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?
²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these." -Matthew 6: 25-30

spiritual sundays best posts of the week 5 minutes just for me

Of the quarrel with ourselves

2011-10-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

“We make out of the quarrel with others, rhetoric, but of the quarrel with ourselves, poetry” - W. B. Yeats

This is the direction I feel my words headed. I could be wrong. But as I face more and more those night shadows, those questions which can only be directed to God, I find myself craving the safety of the symbolic. Rather than stark outright statements, I'm exploring slowly and roundabout.

This is ok. For now.

submitting at skywatch Friday

Stories

2011-10-19T12:20:00.000-07:00

I hold inside myself stories untold.

The happenings thus far, simply characters and setting but the plot continues to unfold.

I have just figured this out.

What I have previously believed to be a story are merely chapters in the great novel of my life. And though I will never right the next Great American Novel, my life will be my own version of this, as will yours.

Because I only have one life to live. The thought following that is, "so you better get it right". But I won't. There will be things I miss, things I add which should have been left out. The important thing is that I remember that I'm actually not the author. He is. I'll let him weave the words, create the climaxes and enter the hero because what I could put down would be not only unworthy of market but tragic.

So, I'll live each day on the page I'm at. I can't peek ahead and I can't erase what's come. I just trust. Trust that He is the best storyteller who's ever been and He's writing mine.

Questions and Knowledge

2011-10-18T18:01:00.000-07:00

The real questions are the ones that obtrude upon your consciousness whether you like it or not, the ones that make your mind start vibrating like a jackhammer, the ones that you "come to terms with" only to discover that they are still there. The real questions refuse to be placated. They barge into your life at the times when it seems most important for them to stay away. They are the questions asked most frequently and answered most inadequately, the ones that reveal their true natures slowly, reluctantly, most often against your will." -Ingrid Bengis

I can suffocate under these mind vibrating questions. And often I feel like that is the exact what's happening.

I trend toward obsessiveness, wear it quite well. My mind can picks up a thought and then cling.

The latest mania (and this is a recurring one) is with knowing something. Figuring something out. Identifying. Picking apart, studying, making a specimen out of that which is not a species.

What I'm essentially doing is clamoring for God's job. Committing that first ever sin. And because I am not God, I'm becoming frustrated and fatigued.

I'm forgetting to trust. No, rather, I'm telling God, "I don't trust You. I'll figure it out".

Except I can't. And so I feel nutty. And off-kilter and cluttered. My mind won't shut up.

The bottom line is, some things are not for me to know.

Maybe I wouldn't be able to handle the knowledge. Maybe I'd abuse it if I had it. I don't know what I'd do but I have to believe there's a reason that God is allowing me to be in the dark on this one.

Church

2011-10-17T13:36:00.000-07:00

"Prayer is a strong wall and fortress of the church.." Martin Luther

God is good. All the time.

Yesterday I wrote about my struggle with church going. And then I prayed like I said I would. And I went to night service at a new church.

And it was wonderful. And I knew. Knew that this was God's plan. That He had answered my prayers. That He had met me where I was.

The sermon was just what I needed. Exactly. And even what was spoken on was confirmation to my struggle.

How many prayers does He answer every day that I fail to notice?

I love when He opens my eyes. And I pray for continual sight.

Counting:

Words, spoken and unspoken
Answered prayer
Hearing God
Confirmations
birthdays
homemade anything
boys reading
girls playing

Submitting at My Green Living Ideas Our World Tuesday Playdates With God My Perspective A Holy Experience

Sundays

2011-10-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling with something lately. Something that vibrates like a confession when communicated. Something that knots my stomach.

Every week, Sunday shows up and I retreat.

I don't want to go to church. There, I said it. And today is Sunday, one o'clock and we did not go.

I am planning on going tonight.

What is wrong with me?

I want the kids to be in church. I want them to grow up understanding corporate worship, the body of Christ.

Can we do that without going to church?

What is wrong with me?

Sunday comes and I want to rest. And church stresses me out. Being a homeschool mom, I'm not the best at getting every one up and ready at a certain time. Especially, getting them ready in their "Sunday best".

This picture is from last Christmas taken before service. If you look closely you can see the orange Gatorade stain on Annika's mouth. And what is that wet stuff on True's pant leg? This is the stuff that trips me up. The reaching for perfection to get to the place where I worship. Where God doesn't require perfection. Where God accepts me as is.

But Sundays have become the day of most attack.

This morning, I attempted. And then we had to leave right then, and we were just about five minutes from being ready, so I said, 'we'll go tonight'.

What is the pressure I feel?

I think there's more going on that meets the eye and I don't quite have it figured out. I need to pray. I need to ask God to reveal what the stronghold is.

And I need to go tonight.

Caught

2011-10-15T13:46:00.000-07:00

I am caught, I am loved

Caught:
I was caught when I was young. And caught still today. I am so grateful that I am His and He is mine. To know this God of love, to live forever in the embrace of a father, so good.
When I am caught in endless worries, pervasive thoughts, it is Him who calms.
He is the great pursuer of my soul and when I long to feel loved, special, I listen, quiet long enough to sense the wooing.
The dance we do, the songs He sings over me while I sleep, the angels sent to protect while I slumber, it is all so good.
I've been caught up in webs of others, caught up in self-destruction but where I long to stay is in His protection. To know without a doubt, He'll catch me when I fall, to be caught up in His love for me, caught up in my alone time with Him.

Source: dayspring.com via Nicole on Pinterest

weekend reflection, flowers on saturday,

Night Writing

2011-10-14T12:59:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to blog at night then post it in the day.

I'm not sure it's working for me. I type now and lack that usual sense of place. That rush I'd get from taking my time out during the day, away from the kids, aiming for the higher.

But it seems I've been too busy and things that shouldn't be are falling by the wayside. So, I'm trying this night time writing.

The kids should have been in bed forty minutes ago. My husband should have been home two hours ago.

Instead, the kids are frosting cupcakes with my dad overseeing. I passed it off so I could come here.

So maybe this isn't working either.

By this time of day my brain is getting mushy. I'm ready for silence and relaxation. I can't tap rightly into that area I need to be in for writing.

But...there is bending with life. Rearranging. Trials. So, we shall see what happens.

Communal Global

Called

2011-10-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

I've been called. I don't know most days what that means. How to take it beyond that.

Called into the light, given the mind of Christ, called to do all for His glory.

But most of the time, I lose sight of this. Most of the time I feel like all I've been called to is being a mother and that I'm not even very good at that. Then I wonder if I was even called to that.

But the truth is my very identity is His. In Him. He called me by name. To be His child. And He knows me intimately, loves me grandly.

It's an invitation, an appointing. It's a daily submission, a daily seeking to figure out what all that means.

He calls me away, to come away from the world, to rest, to be with Him.

He calls me to serve, to help build His kingdom. To give of myself as He gave of Himself.

And I'm not great at that. But my name was called and the invitation is irrevocable. And as His child I know that He does not grow weary of me, He has hopes and dreams for me, He sees the future and the good. Where I am blind and tired and hopeless, I remember that I was called. I am called. And so I show up. Every day.

Submitting at: holley gerth, wonderland and

Grandma Dixie and Grandpa Joe

2011-10-12T17:08:00.000-07:00

submission for sepia scenes

This is a picture of my grandmother and grandfather. I never met my grandfather as he died when my father was ten. But my grandmother I knew. She passed away in 2001, a month after my first child was born.

I loved my grandma so much and I miss her a lot.

My cousin put this picture up on his facebook. I'd never seen it before.

Looking at it makes me very, very happy.

What a day

2011-10-12T12:20:00.000-07:00

What a day, what a day.

Confession: For school we read The Dead by James Joyce. Because I have to read it for my schoolwork. That's killing two birds with one stone, my friends. As for whether it was the finest decision, not so sure.

And then we ran. All day. Around and around the city. Or at least it felt like that. And we hadn't eaten lunch and were all ravenous and I couldn't find our destination and when they were all at once draining me with a million questions but mostly one question - could we go to McDonald's, I told them to talk to each other and not to me until further notice.

And then later, for relief, we went to Old Navy after the first errand. Old Navy wasn't on the list but, well. And they drove me nutty there, too. And I pointed out all the other 'calm' kids and said, "Do you see those kids racing around like looney toons?" And then I felt guilty for comparing them. But still aggravated that I had the wildest children on the planet.

And then we went to the grocery store and we were all so tired from the day that suddenly everything was funny. So we laughed about stupid stuff and got our groceries and came home. It was a long day. They all seem like long days.

It was a typical day, in that we're always together. We always annoy each other at some point. We always crack each other up at some point. We're close, I think. And they're so young. These days, crazy, running...they won't last for long. I know this. So I take it one day at a time and I try to laugh at what comes our way and enjoy the little things in the midst of it all.

Wish I Were Here

2011-10-11T21:21:00.000-07:00

submission Ruby Tuesday

Ah, wish I were here.....

Thoughts of the Past Tuesday

2011-10-11T18:36:00.000-07:00

I'm reading my journal from two years ago. I don't know what on earth I was talking about. Or what I was on. Just kidding. But really, I was going through some major transformations in my relationship with God. Some of what He was showing me for the first time was really amazing. And I'm loving reading where I was at with Him then.

This was when I had just been diagnosed with ms and was really questioning. And being questioned, too, I think.

Much of the beginning of that journal switches from 'journal speak' (which is just me writing to myself) to addressing God:"I'm so afraid. Afraid of losing balance because practicality flees more every day. Afraid of falling. Falling further in love with You, my heart's desire. Afraid of this new height because though I see expanse of beauty all below me, I know at any minute gravity could call...." -Oct. 4/09

Wow. I wish I could say I stayed up there with Him. I don't feel that I have but I do believe my relationship with Him has grown in leaps and bounds since I've been sick.

Another day - or maybe later that same day(I was crazy writing at that time) - I wrote (to God) "Sometimes I think You to be a big fan of oxymorons. Cursed blessings/ blessed curses. The need for earthly rest and nourishment but an overload of the brain which makes the aforementioned quite impossible, the fire that burns for you which melts our heart but fries our brain, shall I continue?"

I don't know what to think of it all. I can see places where I know God was working with me on something and the job has not yet been finished. And it's my fault- not His. Areas He's asked me to let go of that I've held on tight.

Maybe, this, the point of rereading things.

Following the Rules

2011-10-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

"I say this because there is an uneasiness in things just now. Waiting for something to be over before you are forced to notice it. The pollarded trees scarcely bucking the wind and yet it's keen, it make you fall over. Clabbered sky. Seasons that pass with a rush." -John Ashbery

Glad to be in a new week.

Contented, even, to be in a new season, though the shift of seasons can be rough.

Seasons, so metaphorical for a reason.

As the air, the leaves turn, so we do and our children.

We skipped church yesterday. That is, we passed on the hoopla that can sometimes surround worshiping in a church building. We stayed in and did church at home. We read about the Ten Commandments and we played a Bible board game.

And we learned. A lot. Mostly about sin nature and how it always fights against rules. The game was played and the game was won. It's all fun and games till someone loses.

And one of the children could not handle the fact that they were not the winner. The names, 'Cheater' and 'Liar' were thrown out against the winner. And I was faced with this child asserting an attitude I had not yet noticed in his years here. I was faced with a problem which required wise parenting. Really, I could just not believe that this anger was coming out of my son...over losing a game. And so.... a discussion ensued.

We talked about truth and winning and losing and making up rules to suit our own desires. There were tears but it was an important lesson we all learned. I feel like God knew something needed to be addressed in this growing boy. Something needed to be tamed. So we fought that battle. But the war wages in us all continually, only to be won by prayer.

Counting:

lessons learned (even the hard way)
church where you're at
tears that change you
revelation

Let Me Be Myself

2011-10-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

"I know what I want, I have a goal, an opinion, I have a religion and love. Let me be myself and then I am satisfied. I know that I’m a woman, a woman with inward strength and plenty of courage." -Anne Frank

Sometimes I know all this. Sometimes I don't. Lately, I have been rocked by confusion. Hearing those lies of the enemy telling me I'm right on the edge of a nervous breakdown. The mad woman in the attic.

Yesterday, I used a quote for a picture I posted. There's much to contemplate in those six words. I'm contemplating here today.

Submission for Scenic Sunday

A Child

2011-10-08T18:26:00.000-07:00

A child can escape the shadows.

-Steve Largent

focus52

Ordinary

2011-10-07T15:45:00.000-07:00

Ordinary:

"I'm an ordinary woman with feelings"....That's the first thing that popped into my mind with this prompt. We just watched the movie Annie the other night. Yup, still love that movie. The quote is from Miss Hannigan's song, Little Girls.

Anyway, that was a bit random I guess. Ordinarily, I would have more time to blog today but it has been a running day. Oh, how I despise running days. And now I'm rushed because I'm home for just a bit before I get to go out with friends I haven't seen in twenty years. Wow. I am getting old. So, it will not be an ordinary Friday night for me. Yay! I'm excited.

Ordinarily, I become super stressed when rushed for time. But I'm working on changing that.

The thing is, I'm a child of an extraordinary God who sees all these weaknesses, sees me running with like a chicken with my head chopped off and says, "I can work with that. I can even work through that. I can help you work through that so it's no longer the case."

Through the seasons and the changes, in the ordinary and the unusual, God remains constant.

Submitting at: skywatch Friday and

Comfort

2011-10-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

"For You, Lord, have helped me and comforted me." Psalm 86:17

The air is chilling early and I'm not ready to say goodbye to summer.

Home at long last and I feel betrayed by the sudden turn of weather. The warmth has comforted me for so many days and how I wished for it when I was away.

But seasons change in atmosphere and life and I cannot live nostalgic always for last week.

So, remembering that He was faithful to bring me back, I find comfort in a cozy sweater, hot coffee, immersion in a steaming bath. I allow God to bring to mind that His mercies are new every morning, His peace is for each day, His warmth available every moment. In the crazy, cold times of life, wind howling with my soul, I recall that He gave me a sound mind. That it is His unfailing love which cheers, that He comforts those who mourn, that grieving is painful but God's presence alleviates. Yes, the flood of verses, memorized, He presents me in time of need and chill. And always there is relief in grace.

Submitting at Sepia Scenes and

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Enough

2011-10-05T14:43:00.000-07:00

I look at my children and they are enough. They are more than enough. Do I ever view them and wish they were different? Do I look at them with critical eyes, picking apart their faults? No.

Yes, I become frustrated with their inattention at times, I grow impatient with the pandemonium once in a while, I discipline them when I see a behavior which needs to be halted. But do I ever think, 'I wish this one was smarter', 'This one prettier', 'This one less talkative'? No.

I gaze at them through eyes of crazy love, love that loves them for who they are. These are the kids God gave me and these are the kids I want. I want them wholly the way they are. Because I am their mother. I love them unconditionally. They are enough.

And isn't that how God sees me? I am His child. He looks at me and through my mood swings and my struggles, my scramblings, the good times the bad times and sometimes my disobedience and He says, "You are enough. I made you this way....on purpose."

Yes, He disciplines me. Yes, He longs to see me grow. But He does not look at me and wish that I was something else, something more. He doesn't think I would be better if I were more successful or prettier or smarter. He doesn't want to trade me in. He loves me unconditionally.

And so, I need to remind myself of this fact. This truth. I need to tell myself that if I am enough in God's eyes, I ought to be enough in my own eyes.

There is hope in this fact, this truth. There is hope in the belief that I am a child of a God who loves me as is. Who takes me as is. With my imperfections and faults.

And just as I look at my children, young now, with a hope for their future so God who loves me now, the way I am, also has a hope for my future. And this gives me hope. This amazing circle which is and is of God.

Submitting at: wonderland, Holley Gerth and

Giving it up to God

2011-10-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

. I think I've been a bit of a downer lately. This is why I purposely try not to reread any previous posts. It usually makes me cringe.
I feel considerably better today.
Another full day at the Mayo Clinic. Curious, how I find it rather peaceful there now.
It was quite a decent day.
Maybe I took the blue pill this morning... or maybe it was just acceptance. Maybe it's the Serenity prayer or a resolution to stop the madness, see through a different lens. Coping sometimes means giving in. Or giving up. Not to anything unhealthy or destructive but just to life. Giving it up to God. There are times and situations where our fight is required. There are also things in this world which are not in our control. The sticky part can be in discerning the two. Taking my sticky hands off the situation if I need to. I have a tough time with that. Sometimes, I even sense that we're being prepared for a fight but the fight is not for now. The battle in the moment is patience. And strength. Silence, sometimes. Prayer, all the while, so that you know what you're up against and if you're really being called.

Source: myspace.com via Nicole on Pinterest

Submitting at: Call Me Blessed

Source: myspace.com via Nicole on Pinterest

2011-10-03T17:50:00.000-07:00

It has meant much to me to be able to come here daily. I am wondering if it is not to be for now.

I feel a strange loss for words.

Perhaps, I should try to write through it.... but I'm not certain enough on that.

Maybe I just need to lower my standards.

So, today, here, this is all I have.

Yellow

2011-10-03T16:37:00.000-07:00

Know the Light

2011-10-02T21:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel silenced. And I write anyway. Because writing freely heals, it means I recognize, I admit.

How can I find healing if I can not admit that I am broken?

Secrets silence struggle.

To cover for others, I must veil myself. To share means stigma. But isn't that the goal? To make me hide in humiliation? To suffocate me in shame?

I have to see the light to heal. I have to know the light. And I have to know who I am. Whose I am. Because there are moments when the lies will come fast and furious and confusion will set in if you are not grounded in the Word and in Truth. You will sink. If you are not watchful the lies will come from the mouths of those you trust and you will be taken. I have learned this the hard way. But I am grateful that I know the light and the Son and that though there are moments when I feel like I don't quite know who I am, the I Am that I Am knows me. And He calls me by name.

The Key to Serenity

2011-10-01T15:43:00.000-07:00

Acceptance is the key to serenity.

Writing here today.

On Friends

2011-09-30T21:38:00.000-07:00

On friends:

I've learned a lot about friendship in my life. Nothing I could easily sum up, necessarily. I've been surprised by friends in good ways and bad ways. I've been without a lot of friends for a period which lasted far too long.

Coming home to Arizona and reuniting with my friends after years of loneliness in Iowa was a gift from God. While away I learned that Jesus is the friend who sticks closer than a brother. He truly is. But I also learned that females, especially, need relationship. We need relationship with other women. I can't tell you how much lighter I feel, encircled by a few close friends. I have coffee friends and card friends. I have deep intellectual friendships and friends that crack me up. And I need all of that. At thirty-two, I am able to see the value in each of these women I give this title to. I can see that they are God-ordained friendships, women to learn from and to share joys and burdens with. Friendship is no small thing. I am so grateful for the people God has chosen to place in my life.

Submitting at Lemon Rhodes, Beholding Glory and

Acceptance

2011-09-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

An hour till bedtime and the kids are jumping on the trampoline in the dark. Not a wonderful winding-down activity.

For school today we did workbooks and an online game called spent.

Not the most productive day, as I was crazy busy with doctor's appointments. And... more looming tomorrow.

Yesterday, I was a stress case. I hate having to do things, having to go places. I'm more inclined toward quiet and home. I don't like running. And the tension it was causing me was unbelievable. On top of the doctor's appointments I also had to go to the MVD. Oh my goodness.

But sometime in the midst of all that brain chaos, I just began praying for serenity.

I'd been striving for gratitude to no avail. And then I realized that before I could be grateful, I just had to accept.

And by the grace of God, this morning came and I was totally at peace. I went to the first appointment, got in and out, lickety split. Went to the MVD and only waited forty-five minutes and then home, back to a different doctor and finally home again. But it's all good. By the time it was all said and done, all I could do was laugh when the doctor called and added two more visits to my 'itenerary' tomorrow. Whatever.

Acceptance, right?

Submission for Sepia Scenes

2011-09-28T14:33:00.000-07:00

Submitting at: The Paper Mama and

Busy

2011-09-28T14:29:00.000-07:00

"Humanity will always love Rousseau for having confessed his sins, not to a priest, but to the world...."
-Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist

John-Jacques Rousseau, not Henri Rousseau. I had to clear that up for myself so thought I'd clarify.

This is a quote from a piece I had to read as part of my homework this week. I thought it fit aptly in my blog. And sadly, I will not have a lot of blogging time this week. My instructor for this class is asking for two papers a week now and Mayo Clinic is under the impression that I'd like to spend multiple full days at their facility. So....a lot of un-fun stuff. But I'll at least check in daily.

Annika

2011-09-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

This is my Annika. My second child. The one I feared I would never have. But that's another story.

She came and she is a joy. Her Nana calls this one, her sunshine, an apt description. To know her is to love her. Really. She can make most smile. She makes me smile every day. She amazes me, as they all do but in different ways.

There are times, I think she is the most like me. This is flattering myself. But she is the little actress, the artist, the reader, the learner. Wow. Superstar.

And she has the most amazing heart. She will work for hours making a book, illustrating it, writing it. And then announce she wants to give it to 'someone with cancer'. She plays cooking games online. Games with soft yoga music in the background and slow directions which require patience and which have no seeming goal. She'll happily create crepes with these games. She learns cooking tips online and knows more about cooking than I do, even though she's only six!

She's always encouraging. She writes letters to her friends telling them that they are 'kind'. She teaches and sings to her little sisters. She is her older brother's biggest fan. She tells me every day that I'm the best mommy in the world.

I want to be like Annika when I grow up.

Submitting at The Creative Exchange Wordless Wednesday Sweet Shot Tuesday and Communal Global On Your Heart Tuesdays

Time

2011-09-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

There never seems to be enough time in the day.

But this I know- there are hours in the morning which I could utilize and I don't. Because I'm sleeping.

I'm tired. Very tired. And I let the illness excuse me from the morning opportunity which I know is a fruitful time for me.

So, I sleep in and I take a couple of cups of coffee to get going and by the time we start our day, it is late. Later than I'd like.

And I've had whiles when I've woken early, before the kids; and fatigued or not, my day goes better. Yawning smiles. Because the quiet time, the prayer, has happened deliberately. The discipline. And I'm built up for what may come in any given day.

And this is not a legalistic thing. Because I don't feel condemnation. God can work with me wherever I am and if I give Him these afternoon hours while I blog, I'm sure He's fine with that. But I know in my heart, that mornings for us are better. I've even asked Him in times past to waken me in the morning, early. And He did! For about a week. And I kept going back to sleep. That's okay. Rest, He gives me, too.

But when I come back to the thought, that there's not enough time in the day for all that must be done, the reminder of the morning comes.

Naturally, I am not the best with time management. I don't need to be. But if I start my day off on the right foot, chances are, I'll hear His voice more clearly through the day, be guided more easily into right priorities.

Maybe soon, you'll find me here, early.

And counting:
paths and journeys
God whenever
Here
cuddly dogs
boy on the trampoline
September

Submitting at The Wellspring, Katie Lloyd Photography and

Crucifixion

2011-09-25T16:06:00.000-07:00

In church today we read Philippians 2. I love the title of the chapter: Imitating Christ's humility.

That's beautiful to me.

But why is it so hard? Christ was obedient unto death. Many times I'm not obedient unto little things let alone death.

It's the flesh that has to be crucified. It makes me think of what Megan said about our pride: "It doesn't just go skipping." Obviously not, or we wouldn't need to use the term, 'crucify'. And it's such a harsh term (such a harsh penalty He paid) that we believe it doesn't pertain to us. That we're not in need of something so drastic. That it's not really an issue.

And so I justify. What if Christ had justified in the sense that he'd argued with God on the rightness or wrongness of why he should have to get on that cross. Yes, he said, "If you can take this cup." But he didn't go to Gethsemane and argue with God about how He wasn't deserving--even though He wasn't.

Obedience, crucifixion.

And I want to sit around telling God why it's not fair that I have to drink the cup He's given me. Why I don't think I should have to crucify my flesh. Why others are worse. They're always worse in my eyes.

We were worse. And Christ was obedient unto death.

Submitting at:

focus 52 tina's pic story murietta 365 and

Six Word Saturday - Giving

2011-09-24T09:44:00.000-07:00

"Giving myself away, I've found myself."

To hear more of Brandee's words, click here. She writes about service, willingness and giving.

Growth

2011-09-23T14:01:00.001-07:00

Growing. I said the other day that joy swells. It grows. It becomes and happens but sometimes gradually through the journey of choosing. And then the growth unrecognized because it suddenly so strong upon you. Could everything grow just this way? Ideas, thoughts, children, even love? What we call growing, maybe, God's work all along? He the hand that waters the seeds? And then suddenly, the flower has bloomed.

I think of my children and how so quickly, my oldest son creeps up on ten. How quickly I came into myself at thirty. How love has become something so different than what it was.

It seems as if so many times we are unaware of the process and when within it seems long, tedious, hard and rocky but though the wind and the rain there are days of sun and breeze and if we beam up long enough we create an invitation where our roots might be fed, our petals spread.

Hope grows, too.

But these are choices to choose the life offered, the bread, the light, the air and the water. To not whither but to bravely do our part. Our part may only be a small willingness.

He can work with that.

What I'm Excited About

2011-09-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

I'm super excited about something today.

A while ago I had an idea for another blog. I haven't written over there as much as I would have liked but over the weeks the idea has evolved. I've really wanted to include reader participation. But in a different way than is usual. I've avoided a blog roll because I wanted more to feature other's thoughts, allow them to be read by all. I envision it as a sort of meeting online.

Definition of meeting: Voluntary fellowship of people suffering from alcoholism who seek to become and stay sober through mutual self-help by meeting in local, independent groups to share their common experience. Anonymity, confidentiality, and understanding of alcoholism as a disease free members to speak frankly. Many consider AA to be the most successful method of coping with alcoholism; participation raises the chances of success of other treatments. Its 12 steps to recovery include acknowledgment of the problem, faith in a "higher power" as understood by each individual, self-examination, and a desire to change for the better and to help others recover. Begun in 1935 by two alcoholics, AA has grown to some 2 million members worldwide. Similar organizations for abusers of other substances and for habitual gamblers and debtors are based on its principles.

Read more: http://www.answers.com/topic/alcoholics-anonymous#ixzz1YiIcYNUX

-Answers.com

I wanted to do this in regards not to alcoholism but in regards to the human ailment of self. For anyone who struggled in any sense. For anyone who felt the need for freedom.

I've probably lost some of you by now, but please bear with me.

I wanted an entire space to do this so I chose the avenue of another blog. I wanted it to focus on the idea of recovery from self-will, selfishness, addictions of any sort (be it addiction to food, cleaning, the Internet, whatever). The idea was that we are all the same in this one way. That the world would be such a better place if we could consider others above ourselves. If we could work on seeing things from other's point of view with love and compassion. This is hard to do because we, of course, see everything in relation to self. That's natural. But if we don't at least work on it, this quality we share can easily get out of hand and destroy relationships.

So, I started the blog. But then I didn't know how to go about accomplishing what it was I wanted to accomplish. It was all very imperfect - still is.

But if you're still with me, I want to share my heart with you a little (if you care) and tell you what I see. I see a space (the blog) where humans (all) can come and share. So then the blog roll doesn't work because I want everyone's voice to be heard.

I don't want to necessarily give a topic on any certain day because I want it to be more open than that. I began by offering my email but realized that I probably wouldn't take anybody up on such an offer for two reasons. One, I would just feel strange and two, my writing time is valuable. If I write for someone else will that then take away my own blog time? So, what I want to propose is that people can write what they want, let me know if they want (or will allow) me to feature it on Self Anonymous and they can still feature it, of course, on their own blog. I just don't have the logistics figured out. I don't know how to add a linky (?) even.

Another problem I found was when I was reading through it to give my step-daughter a better idea of what I was looking for, I realized there's so much about God. Okay, that's not exactly a problem. I can't change my writing or the fact that God infuses into everything about me but I do want the space to be open to anyone regardless of faith or lack of faith. I do not want it to be exclusive. I don't want people to think they have to talk about God just because I do. So another idea I'm toying with is having a list of topics and people can choose based on what's on their heart at any given time. A good place to start would be with the 12 principles.

Goodness, I hope I'm not boring everyone to death. I'm not too good with words of explanation.

I'm sharing this because it's so on my heart, I'd love to see a version of this idea come to fruition, I wanted to lead you to Megan words today and I thought this might be the best place to begin with( my readers here).

Did that make a lick of sense? Maybe Bill Wilson summed it up better when he said,

"The wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong. -Twelve and Twelve, p. 88

Ok, so onto my excitement (if anyone's still left). I told you how my step-daughter came over the other night and how I so enjoyed her company. In the midst of our conversation, I told her about Self Anonymous. And then I gave her a writing assignment. Because I can. I (jokingly) told her it was due Friday. I was hoping she'd do it. She really was in no way obligated to. And sweet, loving heart that she is, she did it! She wrote a piece for me on humility (which is what I assigned her when she asked for me to please be more specific) and it's brilliant what came out of this twenty-one year old. I'd be honored if you'd read her thoughts over here.

Submitting at:

Joy Swells

2011-09-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

Joy

Swells

Anew

Prayers answered

Indescribable

Inexplicable

I wonder if my words here, He hears from up above

Maybe, healing here

Words written,

Spoken,

Bring

Peace

Thursday's Poets Rally, a picture speaks challenge, earth wonders

Megan

2011-09-20T13:45:00.000-07:00

After all that weight of late, how bout' a bit of joy?

I love how God knows just what I need. Laughter, lightness, love. These, I received last night when my step-daughter came over. How I adore that girl.

So far, I've spotlighted Verity and True. I thought today, I'd spotlight my Megan.

She's been in my life since she was eleven. Since I was twenty-one. Now she is the age I was when I became her step-mother. Wow. That's crazy. It's amazing that I've been privileged to see her grow from a child to an adult.

She has been a blessing in my life, teaching my young heart many lessons about pre-teens and teenagers. I got my schooling early. And now she has blossomed into an amazing young lady.

Megan has always been so good to me. Never was I placed in the wicked step-mother category. I played the role of another sort-of mother while she was growing up but it was really more like the role of aunt or even big sister because we're so close in age.

Today, she is my friend.

A friend who makes me cry with laughter, who lets me teach her, who warms my heart with her encouraging words and teaches me.

Yep, I love that girl.

God is good. He has given her to me and it is all gift.

communal global,

On Your Heart Tuesdays

How Many Times

2011-09-19T18:41:00.000-07:00

There are days when words don't roll in easy. Not because of lack. No, the words whisk inside my brain, they just don't always make much sense when strung together. I cannot knead them into smooth form. There is no outline.

And, too, I get to a place every now and then, when I'm just sick and tired of my words. Sick and tired of a lot of things. My words, my moods, my surroundings. And then I figure out that it's me I'm sick of.

Sometimes, the meeting of God means the ushering in of tears. And I thought I was ready for it all but it's hard, healing. I've cried more in the last week than I have in the last year. These words written are what I fear. Which bring apprehension and sometimes self-condemnation, even self-hatred. That fear I can taste that I'm opening myself up to sympathy I don't want. Because it touches such a sore spot for me, letting you in. To exhibit any weakness, to show raw truth. But if I don't, then what? I only postpone the pain. So, I come here and I choose courage and I share because I'm asked to and then I can more easily let it alone.

Yesterday, I skipped church. I shouldn't have. I wanted to isolate and be sad, I guess. I wasn't choosing joy. And this morning I had a dreaded doctor's visit. Not dreaded because of any news or tests, just a routine visit to get set up with a doctor now that we've moved. I didn't want to go. I'm sick of my sickness. I'm done with it.

What does this mean? That I've allowed God to heal me or that I've decided to not let it define me? No, unfortunately. It means I've stopped taking my medication. It means I was tempted to sabotage my appointment by not registering online. It means I listened to the doctor outwardly but inside was really hating him because it's somehow his fault that I have to be there. And he listed about a million things he wants me to do. And I said okay. But I don't feel okay with it. I'm angry. I'm angry that I have a disease that means I have to do anything. And when those stupid tears came in the sterile office and then we had to have the dreaded conversation about anti-depressants I felt like dying. Wow, dramatic much?

Okay. My ten second ( I know it was much longer than that) pity party time is up.

So, I came home and I was still mad. And I had so wanted today to be okay. I wanted yesterday's pain to be done and over and yet here I was in my tomorrow, still feeling ick. And then I read Ann Voskamp's blog like I usually do. And it was about Sara, whose heart I only last week discovered. And she chose joy. And, I, who am mostly fine, too often do not. I need to. How many times do I have to be reminded?

So then, now I've had my little rant. Yeah, life's not fair. But what did I read the other day? It's not fair for all of us therefore that makes it fair for all of us.

So, I pray and I write and when sick of myself and my words, I listen to what God is trying to tell me. I accept His words because they are gentle.

Counting the gifts:

His gentle words,
poetry
doctors
healing
tears
hearing what I need to when I need to

Submitting at

a holy experience
macro monday
the creative exchange

Humility

2011-09-18T14:34:00.000-07:00

"I, Paul, who am 'timid' when face to face with you, but 'bold' when away!....For some say , 'His letters are weighty and forceful, but in person he is unimpressive and his speaking amounts to nothing'..."

2 Corinthians 10: 1, 10.

How many writers can relate to this?

I love how in verse ten, he says, "For some say...." It's as though even in this acknowledgement of his writing abilities he wants to make it clear that this is the opinion of only some. Not all. He seems like a humble character. A guy whom God clearly gifted, who was given words of knowledge to share, but he always gave God the credit. He was not afraid to admit his shortcomings.

I heard in a meeting the other night that humility means honestly admitting who we are. This means two things. That we admit our character defaults and that we also admit that we are loved despite these defects by our Creator. That's a great balance. A balance I don't always achieve.

But today, this is my focus; seeing myself for who I am without condemnation and without arrogance.

Six Word Saturday and a Poem

2011-09-17T15:47:00.000-07:00

...a story of miraculously answered prayer...

Joy

2011-09-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

I don't naturally trend toward joy. Which is not to say that I'm melancholic all the time. I'm just a person who may need to be reminded now and again that the glass is half full rather than half empty. This is not easy to admit.

Source: d.yimg.com via Nicole on Pinterest

On,Wednesday, I had my day alone. Before I blogged, I came across Sara's blog. And then I couldn't write. What could I say? The new perspective silenced me. I spent hours that day reading her thoughts, and the thoughts of others who spoke with love of how she'd impacted their lives. I was moved and convicted. Here was a girl who lived in incredible pain and yet with incredible joy. And she never ceased to praise God. She reminded us to praise. Her testimony so beautiful, so enlightening and I know without a shadow of a doubt that God brought me to her story that day and again today so that I might be reminded that joy is a choice. That God can give us supernaturally what we don't naturally possess.

Source: etsy.com via Nicole on Pinterest

Linking up at: skywatch Friday and

javascript:void(0)

Here

2011-09-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

I am here but elsewhere.

It is Wednesday night but I will post tomorrow. I am in a hotel room. My wonderful husband read my last blog, the sentence about how I wanted oh, a weeks vacation and this is what he did. Booked me a room. A room of one's own, I have right now. And it's almost nine o'clock and I am just now able to process any sort of coherent share-able thought. This whole deal was last minute. He told me and I packed and came. And then sort-of freaked. I brought every writing notebook I own and my drawing paper and my laptop and my homework (which I did first) and then I had somewhat of a silent neurasthenia. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe a breakthrough, but not a breakdown. I felt this maniacal idea bobbing over me that I had to heal. Right now. Today. Get it all out. It was going to be dramatic. God was going to send me into tears and then lift me up with secrets of my future...or something like that. I was also going to finish my novel.

Suffice it to say, none of that happened. Really, I just tried to ignore the horrible aching of homesickness and rationalize my fear of leaving the room to go to the pool, while begging God to show me whatever it was He wanted me to see. Finally, I gave up and listened to music and drew and I think I did hear a bit of what I was supposed to. And then I called up my old roommate and talked through some of the craziness and it helped.

"...good communication is stimulating as black coffee...."-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

So here I am. Here. Wherever. But here. And I think the freak out was good. Because I realized that, while maybe there's a part of me that's a contemplative, that craves this alone time, the bigger part of me is now so deeply tied to my husband and my children and my home and the routine. Perhaps the creative is nourished better even when I'm allowed to slip away throughout the day to blog, or write in my notebook but with space and time galore I sink a little under it all. Lindbergh also wrote, "Reeling a little from our intense absorption, we come back with relief to the small chores...as if they were lifelines to reality-as if we had indeed almost drowned in the sea of intellectual work and welcomed the firm ground of physical action under our feet." Maybe I need the chores, the physicality to experience the soft touches of the deep.

I am seeing things I've never seen before. I am still on the cusp but I don't necessarily have to dive head first into it all. Maybe just to announce that I am healing is healing. I can set aside the notions I've had of facing things head on. God's got it covered. It will be revealed in His timing....if it needs to be.

Just This

2011-09-14T16:32:00.000-07:00

Today I am silenced. Humbled. Moved.

So, just this:

Please, join my heart here today?