I haven't written in seven months. I feel a little rusty. I had pretty much come to terms with the idea that I would no longer blog here. Much has changed and I struggled with finding a place I wanted to share from. Originally, when I began writing here, I was married. I was homeschooling. I was living in Iowa. I was desperately seeking a closer relationship with God out of the depths of loneliness and a need for meaning. In so many ways, I found that intimacy through this process. I found that as I shared here, God met me and touched me and perhaps, used me on some slight level but ultimately, used this place and the writing that occured here to draw me into Him.
Life happened, as it does to us all and everything I thought I knew was suddenly challenged. I moved home to Arizona and my marriage began to deteriorate. Not wanting to share the details of that horror (nor would I have been able to had I wanted to) I wrote less and less. I had nothing uplifting to say and no hope to transmit. The pain, too, was so personal, that words would not come. At least not in this form. I did write poetry. I returned to that form and there was a different sort of healing in it. I could write the truth but with more vagueness. I could touch on what I was feeling in the mystery and symbolism of stanzas and I was freed from the need for the sort of raw honesty this blog required. This blog required that truthfulness from me because as I wrote here, I felt compelled, more and more, to share openly. I had realized early in my writing here, that transparency would be the only way I,myself, would receive and was the only hope I could bestow. When that openness no longer seemed an option, I trailed off. I missed this place but began to look back at it as a season, rather than somewhere I had been permanently called.
And yet, I am here today. And I don't know what that means. I am not sure if God wants to use this place again as a means to reach me or if I am just feeling a little extra wordy. All I know is that today, I feel story brewing in me, in my life, that perhaps, could be processed here; could be shared here.
I won't waste time on backstory. I am no longer married. I have returned to homeschooling after one year off and I am still in Arizona. I am still and will always be seeking that deeper walk and that, I think, is why I have returned to this place. Something is stirring in my soul. Many things are beginning to shift and while many are still too new to share, I do feel prompted for some reason to process through these changes here. To write about the joys and fears and ups and downs of this crazy walk with God. I have found Him here before and I believe He has more to reveal, so I have returned.