Confessions of......: prayer

Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts

Friday, September 20, 2013

I am either a very slow learner or very stubborn. I'm not sure which is preferable. I woke up this morning with that ever so familiar gnaw of indecisiveness. The very thing I wrote about yesterday. So, I prayed. I loosely settled on a 'plan for the day.' The monkey wrench came, as is not uncommon. Indecisiveness returned.

You know, I have this character defect of being much attached to what I want. I tend toward inflexibility. This is bad enough in itself. It leads to stress and seeds of selfishness being sown, rather than seeds of love and service. It's compounded by the fact that I don't actually know what I want. I just seem to want something else a lot. Something other than what's presented me. This is a problem.

I was sort-of ruminating on this this morning and I realized that of course, this all goes deeper, as character defects often do. Often these flaws sprouted in childhood in self-defense and we have fed them for so long that they can not be easily extracted. And I'm an over-analyzer. I like to know cause. Which can be tricky. See, I think if I know the why, then I can deal with the what. But really, I can't deal with the what at all. Awareness and knowledge are necessary and should be sought after but the only way to actually shed any troublesome character defect is to pray it away. Sometimes God is more than happy to oblige. Other times, He lets us struggle so in our weakness He can be made strong.

And sometimes analyzing can be a tool we use to postpone giving something over. At least, in my case. And then, sometimes, analyzing leads to realizations that aren't exactly settling. This was the case this morning. I realized that my indecisiveness over the small things is a cover-up for the big things.

There is unrest in my soul because I am living my life in a way that is incongruous with how I desire to live my life. How I know I am called to live. And so it manifests in unease with small decisions. I am avoiding big change so resisting small change. Oooh, how painful it is to write this. But I feel that if I don't acknowledge to myself the truth, I will stay stuck in the wavering. Which is an unpleasant way to live. So, I have to give all of myself over. I have to allow God to lead my life in the weighty matters as well as the seemingly inconsequential ones. Only then, will I have peace.

"...sometimes when we listen, we are led into places we do not expect, into adventures we do not always understand."

-Madeline L'Engle

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Quiet Game

I have been pondering words. Praying for a word. Not a word, as in a word from the Lord which is prophecy but a word from the Lord for the year.

I have considered and discarded a few already. Considered and shelved some others. And then there's the one I've considered and prayed about and said, "Are you sure?" to God, not sure it was relevant.

It's the word, quiet.

When I hear it, I wonder if I hear correctly because I don't think I have a problem with this. But I read Proverbs 18 today and verse after verse confirms:

"The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters,
but the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook. (v.4).... A fool’s lips bring him strife,

and his mouth invites a beating.

⁷ A fool’s mouth is his undoing,
and his lips are a snare to his soul.

⁸ The words of a gossip are like choice morsels;
they go down to a man’s inmost parts. (v.6-8)...He who answers before listening—

   that is his folly and his shame.(v.13)... The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge;
   the ears of the wise seek it out.(v.15)... From the fruit of his mouth a man’s stomach is filled;
   with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied.(v.20)

and oh my goodness....

The tongue has the power of life and death,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.(v.21)

So, 'quiet' it is. I guess God is saying to me what I often say to my children:

Source: wanelo.com via Nicole on Pinterest

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Giving it up to God

. I think I've been a bit of a downer lately. This is why I purposely try not to reread any previous posts. It usually makes me cringe.
I feel considerably better today.
Another full day at the Mayo Clinic. Curious, how I find it rather peaceful there now.
It was quite a decent day.
Maybe I took the blue pill this morning... or maybe it was just acceptance. Maybe it's the Serenity prayer or a resolution to stop the madness, see through a different lens. Coping sometimes means giving in. Or giving up. Not to anything unhealthy or destructive but just to life. Giving it up to God. There are times and situations where our fight is required. There are also things in this world which are not in our control. The sticky part can be in discerning the two. Taking my sticky hands off the situation if I need to. I have a tough time with that. Sometimes, I even sense that we're being prepared for a fight but the fight is not for now. The battle in the moment is patience. And strength. Silence, sometimes. Prayer, all the while, so that you know what you're up against and if you're really being called.