I said recently that it's impossible to do it all. At least it is for me. Sometimes (okay, often) I look at other women and they appear to have it all. To be able to do it all. Maybe appearances are deceiving or maybe I just haven't learned the trick yet.
On Wednesday mornings, I wake up early to do service work but from home. And often, I'm not busy with the work and can do other things. This morning, I didn't have the kids.
One of the coolest and wisest hours a man has, is just after he awakes in the morning. –Herman Melville
And although I was groggy when I woke up at 5:45, I was also excited about all that I wanted to accomplish. I wanted to finish my school work, hang pictures, paint a frame, and write. Well, I did my school work (most of it), hung a few pictures and started on the frame. Now, I'm writing. I didn't finish near as much as I thought I would. Part of the problem is that I flit from one project to another. Multi-tasking for me results in inefficiency. But I do it anyway. Oh, and playing Spider Solitaire didn't help.
My hours are quickly fading before the kids come back. And I could either beat myself up for not accomplishing as much as I want or I can be grateful that I gave a good start to a lot of things.
I think I'll focus on the later. I'm learning, albeit slowly, to give myself a break. While, I need to learn, perhaps, the fine art of focus, I also can appreciate that my mind is such that it is always seeking new adventures. New outlets for creativity.
Today, I will breathe. I will not care that I have a million unfinished projects throughout the house. I will look at it like the house is my studio and my projects, inspiration in progress. I will allow myself to be.
I may be back. In fact, most likely, I will be coming here again....I just don't want to make any promises.
I took time away from here in order to spend time with the kids, to work on the house, to feel less pressure. And it was good. It's amazing how clean the house has been looking. And I found myself sitting more often with the kids outside of school work. Just playing or talking. So, in certain ways, it seems that maybe I shouldn't return to blogging. But I've also missed writing. That balance is just so extremely hard to find, isn't it? I really don't think we as women (or humans) can have it all. I think that often, we are forced to choose. Even if everything I want to do in any given day is wonderful and worthy, maybe it's just that some of it is for a different season. So, that's why I say I may be back.
I am back in school. After a five month break. Yes, the one month for NaNoWriMo turned somehow into five months. So, that means I am forced to my computer anyway. Which may mean that poised, with fingers on keyboard for school, will in turn lead me to write here. Or it may be that the addition of my school affords me even less time. We shall see.
But today, I'm grateful to be here....even if just for a few moments.
- God answering heart prayers
- feeling fresh and renewed after spring break
- spray paint on garage sale furniture
- thrift store decorating
- a small church where we as a family can get involved
- this place and time away
- not having to make up my mind
I've been resenting my kids lately. That's terrible, I know. God forgive me. It's the truth.
I've been restless, irritable and discontent. Denying the fact, for weeks, that I want more time to myself, less mess in my life, less kid chaos, maybe even less time with them, entertaining the fantasy of putting the older two in school. So I could have more me time.
Yes, these thoughts would crop up and I would hush them, not even wanting to admit them to myself. And I would drudge through another day, not giving my children my best.
And then last night, as I lay in bed, this feeling of incredible and huge gratitude came over me. Unparalleled gratitude for my children. The reminder that they are gifts, pure and simple. And that I have been called to raise them, lovingly and to put in my best efforts. And that right now, this is my job. Because it is a job. But it's a job I'm blessed to have.
And I was thinking, too, about how my life used to feel so much simpler. A lot of things went into that but part of what's different is the amount of time spent on my writing. Though I love it, though I know it, too, is God given, it also takes a lot out of me.
Laying in bed, I remembered how when the first two were young we had all day at home together, and so much got done around the house, as well as in them, in their own personal growth. More than I feel they've been receiving from me lately. More than the two little ones have maybe ever received.
And back then I wasn't blogging. The internet ten years ago, also did not seem to consume me like it does now. I hardly remember using the computer at that time. Finally, I wasn't working on any writing project.
And life seemed nice. So, I made the decision to, for a period, even if only for a few weeks, put all my writing on hold. I have a long life ahead of me and there will be plenty of time to pursue certain goals in the future but my children will not be the ages they are now for long. And I want to pour more of me into them. I want to stop holding back parts of me for me. I want to have more time just to play with them, to work on chores while they work on workbooks. I just want to find a bit more ease in the now that we are in.
I know it looks like I haven't been blogging much anyway. But that doesn't mean that my mind hasn't been on the blog. There's a pressure I place on myself even when I don't actually make it here. So I'm lifting that for now. I'm going to try to recreate a bit of the old days. Days when I was still in total awe of my children and days when I didn't want it all. Days when I knew that I needn't strive and I understood that God had me right where He wanted me to.