I haven't been here in far too long. It feels weird. This place, once so needed, now avoided. Because I can't come to terms with what to say or how to say it, here, the same way, anymore.
And yes, it's true. Writing is as fluid as life. But what once was, here, in this place is so far gone, so lost from me that I can't quite discern anymore what I ought to shed here.
It's been poetry, lately, for me. Before that, a whole lot of nothing. Because when the pain comes, though the words should as well, often they just don't. And truly, I haven't been in pain this last couple of months. More a state of numbness, retreat.
It's been a year. A year since it all turned upside down. And I'm sick of not knowing what to say. Sick of trying to analyze the grieving process. Sick of a lot of things. I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable Or so it feels. I'm in this place where I want to run away, elude, shut down. Because I've ended up somewhere I didn't plan on being. I didn't plan on being divorced. Or sending my kids to school. Or being so busy I can't catch my breath. I didn't plan on finding my mind reverting to a state of immaturity formed from fear of the future. The phone rings and I cringe. Emails come across and I groan. I want people to go away and leave me alone. I want my old life back. That's just where I'm at right now.
So, I'm having to take a hard look at exactly where I am and how I got here. Ask myself how long I can sit in this without doing something about it. How long my relationship with God can remain stale. Because I'm dry and I'm feeling the thirst. I'm starting to wilt.
Today, I'm extra irritable. I want space. And then I get it and don't know quite what to do with it. Do I write here? Do I work, write a paper for school, cross off any number of pressing items on the never ending to do list. I want to throw the list away and start from scratch. I want my kids back. I want my honesty back. I want to voice my confusion like I used to. I want to purge all I've been repressing. I want all of this more than I want to know what the future holds. Because I've been hating where I'm at and unsure of how to get to where I'm supposed to be. I've just known that I can't live like this anymore. I'm weighted down with far too much, that' I've brought upon myself I need boundaries and plans. I need to remove certain people and activities from my life. I need boldness of spirit and confidence to say what I mean and mean what I say. I need to get control of my life back. I've given my power away somewhere recently and as a result, I'm drowning in the consequences of that decision.
Will I keep coming here? I don't know. Will I keep the kids in school? I don't know. Will I continue to crowd my mind with useless thoughts of tomorrow or will I find it in me to do the next right thing each day that comes my way. That I can say I will work on. I'm admitting that my life is unmanageable. And that something's got to give.