I have not wanted to come here.
But then I read this. So, I try.
I have thought that this new life phase might mean the end of this one here. Because in the midst of a marital separation which looks to be permanent, I'm catapulted right out of the Christian mommy blog world - I feel. At least,hurled away from any housewife claim or title. So, I am an average what? now?
And what am I to say? Here?
"The language of religion is the vehicle of collective experience and it is meaningful only when it speaks of experience and addresses itself to experience." - Dorothee Soelle
I've tried very hard to be real even if at times I insisted on vagueness. And so, now, though thoughts are plenty, there's not much I feel I can liberally express. Except that, though one major piece of who I am has changed, the whole of who I am is still hid in Christ. I am admitting, confessing even, that the piece that's been shorn feels like a very big deal in terms of writing as a Christian. Not writing, in general, because elsewhere, I've been free to do that therapeutic, dark writing to work it out. But here, I had established a sort of something that I wanted and was true to its time. But it's all different now.
I want to speak as a Romanticist rather than a Realist but idealism gives way to how things are and so require a different language. I'm learning it. But I'm also steadfastly holding to my first love. Trying not to anticipate His body as my final judge and just hold fast instead to unconditional love.
So there you have it. A big confession. And maybe I am still to come here. At least, for today.
And I am still thankful:
- for knowing where to turn
- for knowing the author of my salvation
-for strength and honesty
-poetry, brilliant by True and Annika
-for children who still can somehow laugh because I can still somehow laugh
-the gift of teaching children
-friends who call because they care
-the babies learning Spanish from Dora - ha!
-the tools of recovery
-other's words which have helped me through