My devotion this morning convicts. Perhaps, I read as many as I need to per day until I find one which does. I am searching desperately these days. And this one, it speaks of the silence I've been experiencing. And it suggests that maybe, when in the past I felt closer to God, thought I could hear Him clearer, it was because I was fervent about what I was praying about - but not truly fervent about God Himself.
I think about Angry Conversations with God: A Snarky but Authentic Spiritual Memoir
and how I had become a gold-digger with God, crying that He ought to give me the desires of my heart. And when He said no, rather than submitting, I replaced one false god for another. I tried to include the real God in my faulty plans, asking Him to bless my waywardness. But it doesn't work like that. And so I have learned that God can and will pull the rug out from under me, when necessary. And that this can actually be an answer to prayer. The problem is only when I refuse to see it as such. When God is answering with a less than desirable answer and I cover my ears, and like a child, chant, " I can't hear you", well, sometimes He will take drastic measures to ensure that I do hear. This, is in reality, true love. It is the allowance of His truth to prevail. It is protection and provision. The assurance, once again, that He is in control, not me. There have been some mighty tough lessons, of late. But I'm feeling like I'm beginning to get the message. Beginning to understand that I cannot lean upon my own understanding. That all I can do is for real cling. Not cling to my own demands and self-righteous prayers but cling to the God Who works in mysterious ways and with a timing not subject to my wishes, Who sees the beginning from the end and asks me to trust that though His ways are not my ways, they are better. And that all will be well.
Count it all joy, my brothers,[b] when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.-James 1:2-4 ESVUK
I have not been counting it joy. And if it's been a test, I've gotten a C- at best, thus far. Steadfastness as defined by The Free Dictionary means, steady: fixed, firmly loyal or unswerving. Well, I've swerved under this and I have not been slow to speak nor slow to anger. In fact, there are so many ways I have refused to accept this trial as a blessing or as a learning opportunity.
But the amazing thing about my God is that He remains faithful even when I do not. He is unchanging while I waver. And His mercies are new every morning. And today, I am standing on His promises. I am receiving His love and His provision. I am refusing any longer to align my thoughts in agreement with condemnation because there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. I am believing that He will turn my mourning into dancing and that I am stepping into a new season, leaving tears behind. I have to say it here because I have to say it everywhere. I know the truth and I am not ashamed of the gospel and the good news is good news because it means that I am loved and that I am forgiven and that all things will be made new.
We sang last night at service: "We anticipate the inevitability of the supernatural intervention of the Lord"
I have to anticipate this, stand on His word, hope, believe and share because it is the only thing which has the power to save and if this trial has brought me to that realization and these words then I will count it all joy.
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