Monday, June 11, 2012

There are things that no one tells you, that go along with this whole mess.  They don't say, (or say,well) that there's this huge collaboration of mixed emotions, that depression sort of lurks around the corner and it requires extreme vigilance to keep her at bay, or, most importantly, that when a marriage suffers to this extent, motherhood also gets a little shaky.

Carving out the motherhood against the singleness is a whole new ball game.  Because before, something was established.  Even if only in ideal.  But what is this new ground?  How do we all fit in or around each other now?  How many days can I play the giving-myself-grace card and feed them fast food? With each tantrum,  I now wonder if it has happened because of what has happened.  What do these kids really think? What do I really think?

Carving out really, everything, against this new circumstance is tricky:  Should I write to heal or heal before I write? 

Well, I'm here.  So....

I guess I'm banking on the idea that maybe, there's just a few others out there who have tread this ground before me or someday will in the future.  And the bottom line is that it's my truth now.  It's a truth, like the need for me to write is a truth.  Another truth is that I keep coming here drafting a paragraph or so and saving, then adding later because I'm scared.  Scared to voice what's going on, to admit that I still believe God is beautifying me because I hear in my head the mockers, see their fingers pointing, screaming that women whose marriages don't work out don't have the right to talk about God.  Not in the Christian world.  But maybe I don't want part of the American/Christian world anymore.  Maybe I just want to work out my own salvation with fear and trembling, away from the voices of judgement.  And maybe, I want to just share that little sliver of truth because I know that I'd appreciate reading it from someone else.

"I know that help is waiting only for my acceptance, waiting for me to say, 'Not my will but Thine be done'"

Grateful for:

the fact that, though, "We are experiencing all kinds of trouble, but we aren’t crushed. We are confused, but we aren’t depressed. We are harassed, but we aren’t abandoned. We are knocked down, but we aren’t knocked out."

messages only for me
purple flowers
not parenting alone
childlike faith
the scales falling off
a building of confidence
believing and accepting the truth

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