I have been battling lately with what is. And with the future (my ideas of it). And the past (in an inability to reconcile it with the now). So, essentially, I've just been rather discontent. Pouty, really.
You know, the truth is, that it is hard to be single. Especially when you've been married. I get the whole "It is not good to be alone" thing. And so I've wanted to rush to the next phase of my life where I'm not alone, the one where I'm not single.
Except that I have absolutely no idea what the future really looks like for me. Insert man is about as far as I get. But I do know that God says that He knows the plans He has for me and that He will give me a hope and a future. I haven't been trusting this. Rather, I've been in a woe is me, I might always be lonely state of mind. I've been catching myself saying "Fine, God", in a juvenile, snotty voice a lot, these day. Fine, what? I don't know what misery I think He has planned for me but obviously my trust has not been in the true and living God.
So, last night, getting ready for bed, I told God "Fine. I'll be alone, but can you just give me a vision of the future so I know it won't suck?" It finally occurred to me that maybe, I wouldn't be on such a pity pot if God could assure me that man or no man, my life could be good.
And then this morning, drinking my coffee, I realized that a weight had been lifted. Things that had bothered me yesterday, were somehow less vexing today. And then as I dressed to take the kids to school, I had the vision. The one I asked for. Not a full pictorial vision of where I would be in five years, but this very clear and comforting knowledge that because God has known me since before birth, He also knows my heart, my strengths, what brings me joy.... and He will not withhold joy from me. In fact, He has plans for me that would seem absurd to anyone else. Plans that no one but He and I can fully comprehend. There is a shaping and shifting even now, in this time and place, that has been in the works since I was young and I would never before have imagined how it might all play out.
So on this high, I drove the kids to school and I felt His overwhelming presence. I am not alone. And He is so much closer than I can usually feel. And He is the best husband. He delights in me, He protects me, He thinks I'm funny and smart and beautiful. I felt like laughing and crying at the same time. Because I asked and He answered. I prayed and then there He was, just waiting to show me what I needed to see.
All day, I have just felt Him reminding me of how much He loves and cares about me, personally. He is showing me through the words of others, through friendships, through little surges of God-infused joy.
"See the Father, see Me, and it sufficeth you. This is Love in abundance. Joy in abundance. All you need."
"How excellent is Thy loving-kindness, O God! therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Thy wings." -Psalm 36:7
God is in control of each next moment and this present moment is a gift. I have both a hope for the future and comfort and protection in the now.