The Author of Peace

I know I've shared (maybe, a million times) that I'm not the most excellent housekeeper.  Which is odd because I feel like I do spend a lot of time cleaning.  I'd like to think of this as just some strange phenomenon, perplexing but having nothing to do with lack of skill.

Whatever it is, I just can't get a handle on it.  I work one room while the rest are being systematically destroyed.  We did a thorough spring cleaning and I swear, it wasn't two weeks before the results were undetectable.

When we moved into this house a year ago, it seemed plenty big enough.  Now, not so much. And I haven't done a ton of shopping. It's weird.

When I close my eyes to picture a home that's a sanctuary, I envision white, fluffy carpet, white couches, vast space and a spot for everything - nothing left out.  This is a far cry from the clutter that actually 'decorates' my home.  I like the idea that organized clutter comes with creativity, although I'm not sure that my clutter is actually all that organized.

I read something this morning that suggested perhaps outward clutter is a subconscious means of isolating - keeping others away.  I can see this, though I'd never thought of it.  I can tend to isolate. I like my own space, time alone and definitely am not a woman who enjoys surprise visits.  My mom was also this way.
She would want to cancel visits with friends, worrying the house was too messy, even though it really wasn't.

So, while I'm not a hoarder by any means, I do have my fair share of unwanted mess.  That I can't quite figure out what to do with. And last week a husband's friend stopped in to drop something off for me. I met him in the driveway.  He asked if I wanted our kids to play together.  I told him, Sure, send yours in.  Go run some errands. Well, that's not what he meant. And I kind of suspected that.  So, I reluctantly let him in, warning him that the house was disastrous.  He asked me why.  In that blunt, male way.  So, I stammered out the true excuse that I use my morning to work on homework and blog, that the kids sort of run a bit wild during that time.

 But maybe, I need a better system. Maybe, I need to think a little more about keeping a home that's inviting, that can handle a surprise visit.  Suggestions?

Solitude is good.  Time spent quietly in prayer and worship and introspection is necessary. But if there's the chance, that without knowing it, I've settled into habits that not only allow me to keep people away but also block my mind from really, truly experiencing that emptiness required for God to enter, then I need to at least look at it.

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It's not necessarily fun to look at stuff like this.  It may, however, be necessary.

The only thing that matters

"I care less and less what people think."

This line from an Ani Difranco song has stuck with me for years.  And the sentiment continues to actualize.  I don't think I mean it in quite as an arrogant of a way as it sounds.  In fact, I think that as we age, we should embrace a philosophy at least similar to this.  We have to grow out of that intense self-consciousness adopted somewhere in junior high. We have to grow into ourselves.

Part of this contemplation arises as I find myself  increasingly leaving the Christian 'box'.  I can no longer write or speak from a place of conformity or necessarily, to what I think the good Christians want to hear.  And yet, I also cannot be vague about the power of the gospel. It's a bit of a conundrum because who then is my audience?

There is so much more depth to Christianity than Christians want to confront.  And as a Christian faced with the failure of a marriage, I have to be honest enough to admit what God is showing me - that, in fact, He is still with me. And this merciful reality speaks so emphatically to my heart that I can't be quiet about the love I am receiving in spite of all that is transpiring.

So I was driving and thinking about all this, listening to worship music and suddenly I was overcome with the knowledge of why "I am not ashamed of the gospel

 because it is the ONLY thing that has the power to save"

 I know that I have been saved.  I know that He is here- with me.  He has used my pain to bless me with the experience of his presence and his comfort.

 Only when you are a sinner in need of this saving can you really appreciate this.  Yes, we're all sinners but how many of us know it?  Know it in the way that causes you to fall in love with Jesus. Knows it like the adulteress who Jesus saved from a stoning?  The knowing, is what finally, causes me to say, "He is mine".  Jesus is mine.  How then can I not talk about Him?

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."

1 Corinthians 1:18 NKJV

So it seems, that no matter how much my self wants to plan what I'm going to say, consider the audience question, analyze what type of 'genre' I ought to be placed in, etc, my soul which is solely Jesus' possesses a louder voice.  And in the end, the only thing that really truly matters to me is God and sharing His love.

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I Might Become A Nun

"And when we can say to God, 'O, You my joy!' or when you can say, 'O you the pain of my life, O you who are standing in the midst of it as a torment, as a problem, as a stumbling block!' or when we can address Him with violence, then we have established a relationship of prayer."

- From Beginning to Pray but Anthony Bloom

I read this as good news.

In many ways, it's difficult to understand speaking in such a manner to He from whom all blessings flow....and then again, there are times when ranting is our only language with a God we cannot understand.  Far better to rant than to ignore.  I believe that these crying out times are healing times as well as times of purification.  To be honest and raw means we care, that we have not given up the search.  That we recognize that there is meaning to life and we want in on it.

I got off the floor this last week.  I decided my tantrum had gone on quite long enough.  But this does not mean, I've felt no disturbance toward God.  And yes, it's been toward God.

I think that when much has been stripped from us, we come to a place with God where we say, "Fine...but now what?"  And then there's often silence.  "O, You the pain of my life!  Can't you give me a little glimpse of how it's going to be all right?"

My faith tells me that it will be.  My mind grows anxious wondering how it can be.

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.-Philippians 4:6-7

A lot of Christians jokingly say that they're afraid if they give over their entire life to God, He'll send them to Africa.  Confession:  I'm afraid He'll call me into nunhood.  I probably get a little ahead of myself in my worry.  Rather than staying in today I obsess over the Teresa's.  I remember saying when I was twenty that I wanted to be like Mother Teresa, dedicate my life to helping those in need.  And then I worry that God was recording that wacky statement to use against me later.  And now, reading bits of Teresa of Avila's story, I'm hoping God is not calling me to anything similar.

And, oh yeah....I'm not Catholic and I have children.  

But this is how my brain works.  It likes to take things to the extreme.  It has me plotting a premeditated resentment toward God for causing me to be single for the rest of my ever living life. O, You the pain of my life!  That's what you want for me?  That's what I do- take my fear and escalate it to the nth degree. 

But another confession is that I've always been drawn to the idea of complete devotion to God.  Which is ultimately a good thing.  And so I relate this week when, for class, I read,A New England Nun  and Long Day's Journey into Night. 

But how much of this comes from true reliance on my Maker rather than frustration with and fear of man? 

 In a way the whole thought process is somewhat silly and humorous but in another way it seems to prove how very small my speculations might be in comparison to what all God really has planned for me.

Therefore Lord, not only are you that than which a greater cannot be thought but you are also something greater than can be thought.
-Anselm of Canterbury

And yet still, it's proof that in my very heart of hearts, I know Jesus is the one for me.  This very longing for Him even pitted against fleshy fears shows me how deeply in love with Him I have always been.  That ultimately I am His.  And whether He truly calls me sometime in the future to sacrifice the notion of marital love or bestows upon me an earthly man equally in love with God, today I know that God's love is sufficient.  Today I will rest on the image of Christ as bridegroom.

Source: flickr.com via Nicole on Pinterest

That I will know

"Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb ¹² and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

 ¹³ They asked her, “Woman,^[a] why are you crying?”

   “They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” ¹⁴ At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

 ¹⁵ He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”

   Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”

 ¹⁶ Jesus said to her, “Mary.” John 20:10-16 (TNIV)

On Sunday, testimonies were given.  One woman shared that like Mary Magdalene, her Jesus had been dead. She said, she had grown up in a religion which left Jesus on the cross and that eventually, she realized that she no longer believed.  Until she heard Jesus speak her name. Not literally, not audibly; but discernibly and she knew that He was alive. 

I shared yesterday, that I have struggled with doubt, that I have felt the emptiness, the loneliness of unanswered prayers.  Of a Jesus who seems absent at best and dead or nonexistent in the worst moments.

But, too, I have heard my name spoken by the one who is closer than a brother. And might it be that like Mary, there have been times, even, when I face Him and I don't recognize Him. When I weep, not realizing He is standing before me.

"Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles^[a] from Jerusalem. ¹⁴ They were talking with each other about everything that had happened. ¹⁵ As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; ¹⁶ but they were kept from recognizing him.

 ¹⁷ He asked them, “What are you discussing together as you walk along?”

   They stood still, their faces downcast. ¹⁸ One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, “Are you only a visitor to Jerusalem and do not know the things that have happened there in these days?”

   ¹⁹ “What things?” he asked.

   “About Jesus of Nazareth,” they replied. “He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people. ²⁰The chief priests and our rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; ²¹ but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place.²² In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning ²³ but didn’t find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive. ²⁴ Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but him they did not see.”

 ²⁵ He said to them, “How foolish you are, and how slow to believe all that the prophets have spoken! ²⁶ Did not the Messiah have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?”²⁷ And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself.

 ²⁸ As they approached the village to which they were going, Jesus continued on as if he were going farther. ²⁹ But they urged him strongly, “Stay with us, for it is nearly evening; the day is almost over.” So he went in to stay with them.

 ³⁰ When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. ³¹ Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight. ³² They asked each other, “Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?”

 ³³ They got up and returned at once to Jerusalem. There they found the Eleven and those with them, assembled together ³⁴and saying, “It is true! The Lord has risen and has appeared to Simon.” ³⁵ Then the two told what had happened on the way, and how Jesus was recognized by them when he broke the bread. Luke 24:13-35(TNIV)

Not recognizing him, still they urged him to stay with them.  Communing with him, their eyes were open and after his departure they realized they should have known Him.  "Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us...and opened the Scriptures to us?"  So it is with us.  Often we experience this heart burning and credit it not to the Source.  It is not until later we realize.  

In Mark 16:12-13 the same story says,   "Afterward Jesus appeared in a different form to two of them while they were walking in the country."

So though God is the same yesterday as today, could it be that because He can take on different forms sometimes we are so caught up looking for Him as He appeared to us in the past that we miss Him in the  present?

I pray the eyes of my heart will be open. That I will sit at the table He has invited me to and commune with Him.  That as Jesus' body was broken, and as He continues to break bread with me, to open the Scriptures to me, that the Word might come alive in my heart and my soul and that I will know that it is with Him that I daily walk.

Quiet today

"Do everything you can to live a quiet life." 1 Thessalonians 4:11 NIRV

Skywatch Friday

Light and Joy

"The life of the godly is full of light and joy..." -Proverbs 13:9 (NLT)

submitting at Jumping Tandem

Leaning Heavily

Honestly, I have no idea what the new year holds. I will say, I'm quite ready to be done with this year.  It has been hard for me to even come here with all that's going on.

But today I'm here.  Today is all I can focus on.  I have to leave in God's hands the rest.  The future. Or I'll go crazy.  Really.

What I can do is focus-today- on what God is teaching me. Lately, He has been speaking to me on rising above the circumstances, on matching my intentions with my actions. I am not great at this.  My intentions are seemingly established and then I fail to rise above and my actions display something entirely different than I intended.

I heard recently that it is wise to know our intentions first.  Perhaps this seems simple, but it spoke to me. If I examine my motives, analyze what I intend, then maybe these intentions will be easier to keep.  They will be more ingrained within.

Thou, therefore, my child, be strong in the grace that (is) in Christ Jesus...-2 Timothy 2:1YLT


It is His grace that enables me.  So, I lean heavily these days.

When it rains

When it rains.....








 "....let the Lord make you strong. Depend on his mighty power.....May God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give peace to the brothers and sisters. May they also give them love and faith." Ephesians 6:10,23

He is my refuge and my fortress

hh

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Sometimes it's dark. But that's only because my eyes are weak.  I'm breaking free and expecting the miracle of healing.  

I'm all over the place right now, I realize, but bear with me.  I'm desperate for change.  Desperate for God.

The Story Isn't Over

Grateful for finding these words today at In Him We Live and Move and Have Our Being (and I'm feeling especially today as though without Him, I'd be unable to move as the living is so very hard right now):

 "...we need not pretend that all is well in our lives in order to experience thankfulness. This coming Thursday, try to find at least one thing for which you can be grateful despite the tough times in which you may find yourself this year. It’s amazing how much happiness this practice can generate, on Thanksgiving, and throughout the year....Finally, knowing that the story is never over will help us to have a happy Thanksgiving....Could we acknowledge the good despite the pain of not knowing what could be coming?...Ultimately, I realized that we were holding back because the story wasn’t over. Then I realized that in life, our stories are never over, so why wait?"




You have been raised to life with Christ. Now set your heart on what is in heaven, where Christ rules at God's right side. ^[a]

   ²Think about what is up there, not about what is here on earth.

   ³You died, which means that your life is hidden with Christ, who sits beside God.

   ⁴Christ gives meaning to your ^[b] life, and when he appears, you will also appear with him in glory.....

   

   You must quit being angry, hateful, and evil. You must no longer say insulting or cruel things about others.

   ⁹And stop lying to each other. You have given up your old way of life with its habits.

   ¹⁰Each of you is now a new person. You are becoming more and more like your Creator, and you will understand him better.

   ¹¹It doesn't matter if you are a Greek or a Jew, or if you are circumcised or not. You may even be a barbarian or a Scythian,^[d] and you may be a slave or a free person. Yet Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.

   ¹²God loves you and has chosen you as his own special people. So be gentle, kind, humble, meek, and patient.

   ¹³Put up with each other, and forgive anyone who does you wrong, just as Christ has forgiven you.

   ¹⁴Love is more important than anything else. It is what ties everything completely together.

   ¹⁵Each one of you is part of the body of Christ, and you were chosen to live together in peace. So let the peace that comes from Christ control your thoughts. And be grateful.

   ¹⁶Let the message about Christ completely fill your lives, while you use all your wisdom to teach and instruct each other. With thankful hearts, sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to God.

   ¹⁷Whatever you say or do should be done in the name of the Lord Jesus, as you give thanks to God the Father because of him.

1 Colossians 3

   

   

Words

"Gracious speech is like clover honey"




-Proverbs 16:24

Shadow Shot Sunday

Finding Jesus (Always)

I have a Nativity which I've had since I was a little girl. It is nothing special but I love it. It brings back childhood memories. Every year I display it somewhere accessible. I want the kids to be able to play with it, touch it like I did when I was young. Every year something gets broke and we have to super glue it back together. This year, it was one of the wise men. His hands holding his gift broke off and he is waiting repair in the kitchen. And every year Baby Jesus goes missing, sometimes more than once. He is small, smaller than my thumb. But he's always found.
I was thinking how metaphorical this feels for me right now. Every year, I have to consciously look for Jesus. It seems that though this holiday is supposed to be about Him, He is easily lost. It seems that each year, I feel less in the spirit. This year has been very hard. I've felt very convicted about the commercialism of the holiday. And the money spent on my family when we really don't need anything. Brett and I decided not to exchange gifts. We spent that money we would have used for ourselves to buy chickens and rabbits through the Gospel for Asia catalog. But still. I still feel empty. Shopping isn't as fun as it has been in years passed. I feel burdened and heavy with other's pain.
But I think this is where I'm supposed to be. Maybe Christmas isn't merry. Maybe it's an ache for Jesus and we feel it all the more this time of year. It becomes more evident, our need for Him when we're surrounded by the carols, the shopping, the giftwrap, that there's so much more. That we have drowned out his voice. Everyday I need to look for Him in the chaos. Remember that without Him there is not a Christmas or a nativity. Mary and Joseph, the remaining wise men, right now, on my piano, they are all looking off in different directions as if even they, ceramic, know there is something missing. They yearn. Why are they there if not for him?
He is somewhere here. I have to find him.

12/5/11

In response to Mama's Losin It Prompt: Blast from the past


Wow.  It's been quite the year.  Last Christmas we were still in cold country.  We were still.... a lot of things that we no longer seem to be.

And still, I am looking for Jesus.

Somewhere before our move to Phoenix, I found baby Jesus from that old nativity set.  I put him in my pocket.  Maybe not the smartest move but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought that from there, I had placed him in my jewelry box for safe keeping but alas, he is again not to be found. And so as we were setting up the nativity this year, I explained to my kids that the baby was missing once again.  Well, lo and behold, a few days later they found a replacement baby Jesus from a box with a different nativity.

So that one lasted a couple of hours.

The two little ones fought over him (yes, over Jesus) and he broke.  Baby Jesus is in two pieces. Wow, even that is symbolic isn't it? He is the bread, broken.

And, too, Joseph's head is off as are some of the wise men.  Thank the Lord for super glue.  But even that might mean something, as anyone involved in the birth of Christ had to be broken enough to receive him, to submit to His will, His glorious plan.

And this season, I am broken.  I am still searching for Jesus. Advent has a very personal meaning this year. This waiting on Him.   Maybe Christmas isn't merry. Maybe it's an ache for Jesus and we feel it all the more this time of year....Mary and Joseph, the remaining wise men, right now... they are all looking off in different directions as if even they, ceramic, know there is something missing. They yearn. Why are they there if not for him? 


This year I feel so much is missing.  Might I remember that Jesus is who I'm really looking for, who I'm to yearn for. The ache I feel can be relieved by Him alone.

Mary's Song:


 And Mary said:

   “My soul glorifies the Lord
 ⁴⁷ and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
⁴⁸ for he has been mindful
   of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
 ⁴⁹ for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
   holy is his name.
⁵⁰ His mercy extends to those who fear him,
   from generation to generation.
⁵¹ He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
   he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
⁵² He has brought down rulers from their thrones
   but has lifted up the humble.
⁵³ He has filled the hungry with good things
   but has sent the rich away empty.
⁵⁴ He has helped his servant Israel,
   remembering to be merciful
⁵⁵ to Abraham and his descendants forever,
   even as he said to our fathers.” -Luke 1:46-55