Questions and Knowledge

The real questions are the ones that obtrude upon your consciousness whether you like it or not, the ones that make your mind start vibrating like a jackhammer, the ones that you "come to terms with" only to discover that they are still there. The real questions refuse to be placated. They barge into your life at the times when it seems most important for them to stay away. They are the questions asked most frequently and answered most inadequately, the ones that reveal their true natures slowly, reluctantly, most often against your will." -Ingrid Bengis 

I can suffocate under these mind vibrating questions.  And often I feel like that is the exact what's happening.


  I trend toward obsessiveness, wear it quite well.   My mind can picks up a thought and then cling. 


 The latest mania (and this is a recurring one) is with knowing something.  Figuring something out.  Identifying.  Picking apart, studying, making a specimen out of that which is not a species.


What I'm essentially doing is clamoring for God's job.  Committing that first ever sin.  And because I am not God, I'm becoming frustrated and fatigued. 


 I'm forgetting to trust.   No, rather,  I'm telling God, "I don't trust You.  I'll figure it out". 


 Except I can't.  And so I feel nutty.  And off-kilter and cluttered.  My mind won't shut up. 


 The bottom line is, some things are not for me to know. 


 Maybe I wouldn't be able to handle the knowledge.  Maybe I'd abuse it if I had it.  I don't know what I'd do but I have to believe there's a reason that God is allowing me to be in the dark on this one.