When Life Becomes "Complicated"

I think, often, about how my two younger children have not, overall, received as much attention from me as the older two. It wouldn't be too hard to blame this on the idea that the more children there are, the less of mom there is to go around.  It's a valid argument.  Four children vying for attention instead of two, absolutely  requires more conscious effort and creativity.  It's true, also, that a brood of children have a tendency to somewhat entertain each other and yet, I know that they need individual attention.  I try to shoot for this.  I take them out alone, in their turn, when I can but not as much as I'd like.

Sometimes it makes me sad to think back to the days when the older two were younger, when it was just them.  I remember when True was in preschool and I only had Annika at home.  She and I had our little routine.  We read stories, worked puzzles, drew together. Further back than that, as a young mother, when it was only True, he and I spent endless quality time together.  Less stress and perhaps, more motherly enthusiasm meant that I dedicated hours to teaching him, playing with him and just being silly with him.  We used to sing in front of the mirror together, using hairbrushes as microphones.

I feel sad thinking about this because so much of that, the younger two have missed out on.  And when I really analyze it, although amount of children plays in, the fact is- life was simpler then.

Confession: I'm not merely distracted by four kids running in four directions.  I'm now way too easily distracted by technology. Blogging, Facebook, online school, texting.  None of this was in my life when the older two were younger.  And I might have been a better mom.

Sitting in the parking lot of True and Annika's school yesterday, waiting the fifteen minutes it takes for them to be delivered to me, Palin asleep, Verity chatted in my ear while I checked my email on my phone.  As if there might be anything that important.  But I opened A Holy Experience and read about the practice of relationship.  And it occurred to me that right now, I could spend that time with Verity.  So I did.  We played hangman. And not on my phone (though I was tempted).

This is a practice.  It's so easy to 'multi-task' to the point of losing sight of these brief moments when children are young. The now moments.  These moments when they want to be with us.  I don't want to look back and realize that this time has passed.  Will I remember any one email I opened up or anyone's status update on Facebook?  Probably not.  But the essence of time spent listening or playing with my kids- that I want to remember.  I need to practice ignoring the lure of phone notifications, these false demands, all that's far less important than just being.  Just being available and present when I'm with my children.  Practicing that which used to come easier.  Practicing because it no longer comes easy.  Practicing to get back to that place.

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Always found

After Christmas confession:

This has been the worst Christmas for me ever.  It's now over so I hope it's safe to say that.  My favorite part of the season was the  Shabba-Chanukah party we attended Friday night.  Does that tell you anything?

Christmas Eve day, I tried desperately to keep it together while taking care of my last minute wrapping and keeping the kids entertained but clean and ready for service.  I was painting a smile on my face but when I realized that six gifts had gone missing(?) I lost it. Not in front of the kids, but alone, the tears came.

And I started thinking.  Maybe, there were tears that Mary cried on the day before Jesus was born.  Or in the months leading up to.  She would have been hormonal, right?  And stressed even.  She was pregnant with God's son. Not Joseph's.  They were journeying far.  And they arrive at their destination only to find 'No room at the inns.'  Maybe she broke down a little.  So, perhaps, waiting for Jesus, it's okay to cry under the pressure, wanting so badly the relief of his arrival.

And then I thought some more.  I remembered the song 'The Little Drummer Boy'.  And I prayed that me letting the kids make gingerbread cookies and ornaments would be enough for Jesus. He knew my heart wasn't in it this year.  But I did what I could.  I gave what very little I possessed.

And then I found the presents.  And we made it to church.  And that was beautiful.  We ate Chinese food and read a Christmas story before bed and all in all it turned out okay.

Christmas morning, I tried to keep things jolly as well.  We opened presents, and messed the house royally with polly pocket shoes, puzzle pieces, and play-do and at noon when the kids left, I again let the tears come.

But it's okay.  Jesus is here.

We never did find the thumbnail Jesus from our nativity.  And the last few weeks, every store I've been in I've looked for a replacement nativity....with no luck.   I found one finally, on Saturday.  So I bought it.  It's still in its packaging to save it from the three year old's violent hands but I may just open it and take out baby Jesus.... to hold Him, to remind me that He can always be found.


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Charis

In church this morning, the sermon was on Romans 12.    And I began to wonder which gift I had received.  Of the those listed in this scripture: prophesying, serving, teaching, encouraging, giving and showing mercy,  I couldn't easily identify which of these I might possess.

The first one mentioned is, 'prophesying'.  I tucked that one away for another day.  The next gift was, 'serving' and I will confess that I did find solace in the word, 'if'.   "If it is serving..."   Ok, not mine.  I'm kidding.  We all are called to have servant hearts but still; moving on down the list.  'Teaching'.  No, I've said before, I don't want this--Biblical backup in James 3:1.  Encouraging came next and if I'm honest, I struggle with doing this in any natural way.   Then came, 'contributing to the needs of others'.  This I can do, but is that what I've been called foremost to?  Leadership, definitely not.  And lastly, 'showing mercy'.  I  need work in this arena too, maybe.

  There's a lot here.  I'm not going to attempt to analyze it  and I understand that all of these gifts we are to cultivate.  But what is my own primary gift?

Listening and reading this morning, I felt something like a stab when the word, "encouraging" came up.  I don't generally view myself as encouraging, though I would like to be.   My words (I), however, don't state praise easily.  It's something I have to work at.   A character defect. So, I wasn't sure why I kept feeling like that was it.  My gift.

I think maybe, somewhere along the line, I took what was my natural gift and, "thinking of myself more highly than I ought", I began to criticize rather than encourage.

 The pastor explained this "thinking of ourselves as more highly than we ought", not as a means to degrade our self-esteem, but that we might see the worth in others and our own need.  Recognizing the truth of ourselves allows us to see that we need others and also that God calls others in areas in which we ourselves have not been called.

 It seems that the New Testement writers were far less concerned with our modern day call to 'love ourselves'.  In contrast, it seems they knew that self-love was inevitable.  Jesus Himself, gives us, as the second greatest commandment, "Love your neighbor as yourself."

If we're honest, maybe we have to admit that even low self-esteem comes from the same family as pride.  That one's a doozy.

 Verse three continues on to say, "rather think of yourself with sober judgment".  Maybe a call to self-analysis?  If we wish to see and love others for who they truly are, we cannot be blind to who we truly are.   When we start writing other people off, their gifts, their talents, their value in the kingdom, maybe we are not thinking of ourselves with sober judgment.

I think the most beautiful illustration of the body coming together is in times of worship.  To see hands lifted up, tears streaming, I can experience the great love God has for all the members. But other times, not so much.

Other times, I want to criticize the members. Or not recognize their worth.  But in this, I'm forgetting about grace.  That anything we were gifted of was given us by grace.  By charis.  The greek word which can mean: 'divine influence upon the heart, and its reflection in the life, liberality, joy, thank(s)worth, favour, and gift.

See the circle?  How there is no separation between gift and grace?

What we want to take credit for, is really a divine influence upon our hearts, given us by the Creator with joy that we should be thankful.  He has shown us undeserved favor.

And He gives this to me, to you, for free.  And so I am free.  I am free to share that I need so much work.  Free to examine myself that I might see myself rightly. Free to not be afraid of what is revealed, therein.  Free to admit that I've been given the gift of encouragement but have not used it for God's glory, if at all.

Some of our gifts are subtler than others.  Some are quiet gifts.  Some gifts mean whispering encouragement to those we love.

"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant." -Robert Louis Stevenson

 We are not all called to greatness.  We are all called to do all for the glory of God.

Lord, help me to embrace what you have given me.  Help me to view myself as You see me and as You desire me.  Help me to build up rather than to tear down.  Help me to understand that You have everything under control.  My criticisms are not necessary to keep the ball rolling.  Help me to keep my own house in order and to embrace the gift of encouragement.