The only thing that matters

"I care less and less what people think."

This line from an Ani Difranco song has stuck with me for years.  And the sentiment continues to actualize.  I don't think I mean it in quite as an arrogant of a way as it sounds.  In fact, I think that as we age, we should embrace a philosophy at least similar to this.  We have to grow out of that intense self-consciousness adopted somewhere in junior high. We have to grow into ourselves.

Part of this contemplation arises as I find myself  increasingly leaving the Christian 'box'.  I can no longer write or speak from a place of conformity or necessarily, to what I think the good Christians want to hear.  And yet, I also cannot be vague about the power of the gospel. It's a bit of a conundrum because who then is my audience?

There is so much more depth to Christianity than Christians want to confront.  And as a Christian faced with the failure of a marriage, I have to be honest enough to admit what God is showing me - that, in fact, He is still with me. And this merciful reality speaks so emphatically to my heart that I can't be quiet about the love I am receiving in spite of all that is transpiring.

So I was driving and thinking about all this, listening to worship music and suddenly I was overcome with the knowledge of why "I am not ashamed of the gospel

 because it is the ONLY thing that has the power to save"

 I know that I have been saved.  I know that He is here- with me.  He has used my pain to bless me with the experience of his presence and his comfort.

 Only when you are a sinner in need of this saving can you really appreciate this.  Yes, we're all sinners but how many of us know it?  Know it in the way that causes you to fall in love with Jesus. Knows it like the adulteress who Jesus saved from a stoning?  The knowing, is what finally, causes me to say, "He is mine".  Jesus is mine.  How then can I not talk about Him?

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."

1 Corinthians 1:18 NKJV

So it seems, that no matter how much my self wants to plan what I'm going to say, consider the audience question, analyze what type of 'genre' I ought to be placed in, etc, my soul which is solely Jesus' possesses a louder voice.  And in the end, the only thing that really truly matters to me is God and sharing His love.

Source: ancora-imparo.tumblr.com via Nicole on Pinterest

Dwell in the source

December has felt a little mooney, a bit blah.

In fact, I can't quite believe we're this close to Christmas.

Circumstances in my life have shifted considerably and I'm already feeling the 'after Christmas blues'.  Maybe, because November, in many ways was very special. In other ways it was very rough, but within that difficulty I could really hear God. And I'm not hearing Him as well this month.

Last night, a friend and I were talking and she said that she prays and she does her readings but one thing she just can't get is the meditation part.  Meaning, her mind continues to wander whenever she attempts. I almost had to laugh, because she said it as though, she were one of the only ones with this problem.  I told her that I was fairly certain most people had this problem. I'm reading Letters of the Scattered Brotherhood right now and it's a treasure of a book. It speaks quite a bit on going into the silence, hushing the outer man.  If the Desert Fathers recognized the difficulty in meditating, certainly, we in our busy lives will find it near impossible.  But I think that the more we practice, the more we discipline ourselves, we will find that God is waiting to meet with us in the silence.

This section really spoke to me.  This is something I am certainly in need of practicing:

"May I say here that the mind cannot remember easily when it is full of criticism; you cannot afford to take umbrage, to have prejudices, nor hold to yourself these violent human emotions which flare up in human contacts.  Let them go and dwell in the source of all love, infinite love"

The only way I have managed at all during this time is to pray for those I resent.  To try to stay above the human drama and enter instead into the drama of Christ's love for me.  The drama of His birth, His death, and  enter, too, into my own dying to self for Him.

".....Prepare yourselves to be sons of God, rise to your full height and live most of your life in spirit while in the material world....The discipline of the body and the spirit is an exercise as old as time.  The conflict of body and spirit, joy and sorrow, has been an accompanying mystery;"


I am practicing this picture of my inner man rising above. Staying above with the peace that surpasses all understanding.  I heard a suggestion recently to breathe in with the thought, 'I am' and out with the thought, 'Peace'.

"I will give you a talisman to use in times of pressure, of drabness, of temptation.  Say, 'There is no measured time at this place, no future, neither is there a past.  I am in the eternal moment, the limitless, infinite, now.'"


Furthermore, I am in today.  Today only.  Only God know what tomorrow holds, so here and now, I am able to trust.



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