Speaking Out

I ended a relationship last night.  One I'd ended before and gone back to multiple times.  The relationship was abusive and volatile and unhealthy.  But it was hard to get away.  And yet, I woke up this morning feeling free. Feeling something I have not experienced in a great while: serenity.

The relationship I speak of was with Facebook.  For months, now, I've been allowing a social media website to steal my peace.  To instill fear and confusion.  And anger.  The agitation of late that has been consistently growing has not been of the I'm-spending-too-much-time-looking-at-people's-food/vacations/cat memes-and-therefore-wasting-my-day variety.  I sort of long for those good ol' days in a way.  No, what I'm talking about is the type of angst that has arisen out of the fact that the political climate has changed so drastically and so quickly in our society and that this has become evidenced on my Facebook account.  I can only speak for my experience with my own page.

I have a friend who for as long as I can remember would deactivate her account and then reactivate. She would explain that when she was on, she just felt pulled into debate and then wound up feeling discouraged and disheartened. I couldn't understand this until recently. There is no denying the disunity that is present in our culture today.  We are one year away from an election but the unrest has been swelling for some time now.  People seem to be more divided than ever on all numbers of issues. This, in and of itself, is not a problem.  In fact, as a democracy, we need differing points of views. We need debate.  We need voices to be heard from all angles of any given subject.  But, herein lies the trouble. This isn't happening.  Many are being silenced.  Many are being ridiculed.

I am not sure if I happened to be friends with an inordinate amount of people who believed differently than I, or if those who share my beliefs were simply quieter.  I suspect it may be the latter.  Personally, I will admit to being silent too much of the time.  It seemed easier.  I don't like conflict.  I've come to a point in my life where I don't believe I change either individuals or entities.  I can only change myself.

But over the past several months, there has been an indignation stirring up inside me.  Daily, on my newsfeed, I was reading not just articles, or memes, or viewpoints that stood in stark opposition to my own belief system, but was faced with articles, memes and viewpoints that were insulting, inflammatory, and hateful in their onesidedness.  Everywhere I turned was journalism that was clearly an opinion piece written and presented as fact, 'studies' that shamed the way I choose to raise my children, attacks on the God I believe in, and then of course, Facebook being what it is, I was privy to all sorts of personal disagreements that had nothing to do with me among "friends." And I've observed over the months a pattern.  I've seen time and again, within the comments section of friends' posts, tension arise and it culminates in the same way.  Someone is publicly defriended or silenced.  And noticing this as it happens to others, I've felt increasingly uncomfortable.  I've begun to wonder what happened to the era where we believed firmly in freedom of speech; where we not only accepted it but embraced it.  It's important to note that the tension I referred to was merely discussion.  An opposing viewpoint brought up with respect.  And yet, quickly, the dissenter was dismissed and rejected.

Now, this could very well be exclusively the dynamic on my own page.  Other people's feeds could be full of those who are open-minded and thoughtful in their assertions yet humble and polite.  I don't know.  What I do know is that my own experience played out again and again and I watched and bit my own tongue and read and vented my dissidence to my husband where it was safe rather than in a public format, but finally last night my tongue began to bleed.

A "friend" posted an article which I read and which upon reading had a strong reaction to. The piece was a strong opinion piece and in turn, my opinion reading it was strong.  And I responded with my opinion on the article itself.  And I was careful to speak only of the author's viewpoint and to express what I feel are the problems with that viewpoint.  And within a matter of minutes, the "friend" who had posted the article deleted my comment.  And that would be fine if this was an isolated event.  But it's not.

And now I cannot hold my anger back or bite my tongue.  Because over and over again, I'm seeing it. I am witnessing one "side," if you will, continually silence the other.  And it's working.  There is a "side" who has grown fearful.  Who fears to stir things up, to speak their truth, to call out what they see as wrong, because those who disagree, disagree in a domineering and threatening manner.

The "friend" who deleted my comment, did so with a comment of his own, stating that I needed to post my views on my own page, not his.  And then in his next post, he personally attacked my Christianity. Now, mind you, I had said nothing in my response of my religious beliefs.  Nothing. This is what I feel we're up against. I feel strongly that this epitomizes how many today operate when others don't agree with them.  They have nothing in their vocabulary to defend their own views, so the viciously attack their opposition.  And it works.  To avoid being spat on, we just shut up.  Everything has been spun, so that we appear to be the perpetrators.  And this is how it happens.  This is how an entire faction of society begins to be eliminated.  It's happening on a much bigger scale, of course, than my very small Facebook page.  It's just that this was the first time I felt it so intimately.

I did not deactivate my account because of this interaction.  It's been something I've been inwardly struggling with and this was my final motivation.  Do I believe I need to stand strong and stand my ground and own my own voice and truth? Yes.  But right now, I need to do so while in prayer, unswayed by the noise of the enemy.  I do that here.  I cannot, currently, do it there.

This blog has always been a prayer closet for me.  One that I've visited less and less.  But I return to it now because I still need to hear myself pray aloud as I grapple with God over words while I'm here.  It's how He and I have done things for a while.  And partly, I'm doing it here in order to not be silenced.  I don't care if just one person comes across it and I don't care whether they agree or disagree with it, the important thing is that there has to be an outlet where I do not feel silenced.  Where I do not feel like what I have to say is not valid.

Faith Which Banks on Him

Listening hard, seeking the sometimes seemingly elusive voice and will of the Lord- these practices, perhaps have been an ongoing discipline for me this last year.  And so when I read Oswald Chambers this morning on Spiritual Confusion, I am struck.

He speaks of "The shrouding of His friendship" referencing Luke 11:5-8.  Then asks, "When God looks completely shrouded, will you hang on in confidence in Him?...Will He find the faith which banks on Him in spite of the confusion?"

These questions beg reply.  Will, I, when answered only with His silence, continue to trust, refuse to lean on my own understanding? Refuse to be moved, waiting instead on His timing no matter how slow, how shrouded His face, His replies seem to me?

Faith, I am learning, requires persistence. So, may I not cease to ask, believing, rather, that an answer will come as I continue to knock.

Source: google.com via Nicole on Pinterest

Grace falling

So, I've been thinking about death.  And life.  And friendship and fears and a multitude of such heavy, ponderous things.  And I wanted to come here and sort it out and share but I feel inept because the subjects are vast and complex and because I've been out of flow and out of practice... but here I am.  So, please forgive if my fingers and my mind don't do justice.

One of my closest friends lost her step-father last week. And this morning we got caught up.  I had no words so I listened.

And what can I even say now, here?

Only that maybe death is an opportunity to see grace fall.  Grace, like rain.  A downpour, drenching and we can either turn our faces heavenward and let our tears mercifully mingle with the soaking sky or we can try and hide, stay dry all the while knowing that at some point we won't be able to escape.

This, the only awkward way I can find to describe how I felt as my friend spoke of her family's closeness, their wisdom, their journey through the pain.  My first thoughts were that they were 'handling' it well.  But that word handling didn't seem to do it justice.  Neither did the words, accepting or embracing.  So, contemplating, listening, I just thought of grace.  Grace given, grace shown.  Grace bestowed.  Grace like rain.  Rain received with grace.  And how when someone possesses grace, when they've been given grace -it shines, creating a prism of color for all to bear witness to God's goodness.

Hand-picked

One thing I am exceedingly grateful for in my life, one thing I come back to again and again, is friendship.  The special friendships God has allowed me to cultivate.

And how He uses these friends to speak to my heart, to impart joy and wisdom.  To aid me in revelations.

This morning I was praying hard, under heaviness and a dear friend called and through our conversation my spirits were lifted and my walk refreshed.

I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.

I love knowing that God has hand-picked for me women who compliment me.

 I am blessed beyond words in this area.

On Friends

On friends:

I've learned a lot about friendship in my life.  Nothing I could easily sum up, necessarily.  I've been surprised by friends in good ways and bad ways.  I've been without a lot of friends for a period which lasted far too long.

 Coming home to Arizona and reuniting with my friends after years of loneliness in Iowa was a gift from God.  While away I learned that Jesus is the friend who sticks closer than a brother.  He truly is.  But I also learned that females, especially, need relationship.  We need relationship with other women.  I can't tell you how much lighter I feel, encircled by a few close friends.  I have coffee friends and card friends. I have deep intellectual friendships and friends that crack me up.  And I need all of that.  At thirty-two, I am able to see the value in each of these women I give this title to.  I can see that they are God-ordained friendships, women to learn from and to share joys and burdens with.  Friendship is no small thing.  I am so grateful for the people God has chosen to place in my life.

Submitting at Lemon Rhodes, Beholding Glory and

I thought, all this week, that I was experiencing writer's block, or merely short-term lack of inspiration. 

But then, what I'd sort-of been ignoring came to the forefront of my mind; the truth.  The truth that I've actually known what I've wanted to write about for a while.  I've just been postponing
because I haven't wanted to reveal.

But I'm going to try. 

That sermon on Sunday?  Where the pastor told us that we were not promised health and wealth and perfect relationships?  These were relatively easy ideas for me to swallow.  I guess.  But when the pastor declared, "Jesus was lonely,"  it got my attention.

My brain started immediately agreeing with this statement.  It seemed highly plausible and profound. 

Jesus didn't have a home. 

He felt let down when His disciples wouldn't keep watch with Him because this meant that they didn't quite get it; this would lead to loneliness. 

And also, I know that, "We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses."  (Hebrews 4:16)

But still, I kind-of wanted Biblical proof of actual loneliness.   I wanted to synchronize my notions with the facts.

The NIV says that "Jesus often withdrew to lonely places..."(Luke 5:16).  But that sounds more like a choice. 

So I kept looking and I found that this is obviously a subject that matters to others. Apparently others have googled the question "Was Jesus every lonely?" 

You know what else others have googled?  "How do you make a friend?"  I know this because....

Ok, deep sigh, this is the revealing part that makes me cringe.

Because I'm lonely. 

Because I'm the kind-of girl who counts on others to initiate friendships, who holds onto friendships forever, and who would rather just be lonely than go out on a limb and risk rejection. 

And I've been all over the gamut on my feelings about this loneliness.  I've given into it and wallowed in it; I've been grateful for it because it has lead me closer to God; I've denied it; I've embraced it as mine, giving it a special acceptance, and most recently, I've blamed it on Iowa, on the people who live here.  

But truth be told, I'm sure I've experienced this at all times of my life on and off, maybe just the period of living in Iowa the longest. 

I do think it can be a gift.  I do think that surrounded by others, we can lose the inward search and the search for God.  I do believe God knows this kind of pain.  And I believe He uses it for seasons, to draw us near. 

But I also think there are times, one has to cave in and google, "how to make a friend"  And I say this because we are no doubt in a new era.  An era which includes texting and Facebook and all other sorts of social networking and I think that there are ways which this is changing us (damaging us?). 

When I was brooding over Border's bankruptcy, I found myself simultaneously imagining all the other wonderful things that might someday be devoured and disappear as we continue to progress or deteriorate, depending on how you want to look at it.  And I started worrying about the phone.  I know you're thinking, "The phone?!  We'd never get rid of the phone."  But wait, how many people (young people) use the phone much anymore?  Other than for texting?  Or checking their FB, or other similar tasks? 

I realized that with the surge of facebook, the phone (as in talking on it) has taken a backseat in my life.  Five, six years ago even, if I wanted to spend time with or talk to a friend or make a friend, I called her.  And I still call my prefacebook era friends but most of the new friends I've made, well, facebook is our go to.  We facebook about when we'll get together.  And then we get together.  But we miss out on that phone friendship.  The kind of friendship where you talk almost every day and therefore don't need to bother catching up when you are together. 

And, if we don't have to break the ice anymore by picking up the phone, calling to set a date for a get together, we probably won't then break into the easy phone type friendship that can be a lifesaver when you're a mom of young kids.  But... I guess that's just the way things are going. 

As far as advice I received from google?  It said, "If you want a friend, be a friend."  So, I went out on a limb and facebooked someone new. 

"No man can be called friendless who has God and the companionship of good books."

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

This idea of books as friends is dear to me. Quotes abound on this comparison. For many people, and perhaps especially those inclined to loneliness, books have lent hours of comfort and company.

I, growing up as an only child, found solace in the pages of many a good book, treasuring them, reading them over and over, organizing them and looking forward to monthly trips with my schoolteacher mother to Gardner's which was a book wholesaler. She would pick out her books and buy them in bulk for her students and I could pick as many books as I wanted to call my own. I remember laying on my bed when we arrived home, my pile high, trying to choose which book I wanted to read first.

When I was old enough to work, I just knew that the best job in the world would be to work at a bookstore. I applied at Barnes and Noble and didn't get the job. I applied at Border's and did. It was the best job in the world. Especially for someone like me, who not only was a lover of books but who was (is) a bit socially awkward. I was surrounded by others who loved books. I only had to work the cash register and the info desk part of the day and the rest of the time, my job was to alphabetize the books in 'my' section. My section was the art section and then was switched to Travel. But it wouldn't have mattered. It was the quiet, alone time doing something calming and it involved these important, steadfast 'friends' of mine. Some people would hate this type of work, I know. But personally, I would go back to work there for free if I had more time in my life.

So, I was truly sad to hear that Border's has filed bankruptcy. For all the evils of certain aspects of big corporations, working at Border's was such an amazing experience and the truth is, this company is so good to their employees. I'm all for the independent bookstore and smaller mom and pop stores but I have a very soft spot in my heart for this company.

But mostly, I'm troubled about what this news means to the future of books. Real books. I hate to think that bookstores, in general, might go by the wayside. When we can buy books online and now READ books online, I don't know what's going to happen to us....as a people. What if years down the road, there are no books to touch?

And more books are going out of print these days. And going out of print more quickly.

While, I do care about the environment and I know that we need to stay in step with the times, I just can't reconcile my mind to the notion that we will no longer be able to browse through a bookstore, reading the backs of books, skimming a chapter in this book and that book while sipping a cup of coffee.

And what about all the people who meet in bookstores?!

Maybe I'm just getting old. Maybe pretty soon, I'll be rocking in a chair, musing about how it used to be. I guess I already do that, minus the chair.

Camping and Friends

So grumpy, with nothing really to be grumpy about. I'm just ready to be done with the day even though the day was fine. We were at the campground for the last seven hours. I guess, I just have to admit that I'm not so much the outdoorsy type. I'd much rather be at home. I'm a homebody. I can only take so long away.

It was cute though to watch the kids make friends. We're right by a playground, and so tons of kids gravitated toward our area. Before long, Verity was holding hands with a girl who looked only about a year older than her. When the girl's mom came and called for her to come in for dinner, the mom said about Verity, "She's looking at me like I'm the meanest lady ever." Verity was giving her famous look. She'll stare you down and you almost don't want to know what's going on in that little head of hers. I went up to her to comfort her and asked, "Did your friend have to go bye-bye?" She nodded and said, "That's my girl." I love how children can make friends so quickly.

A boy from True's baseball team showed up a little later at the campground right next to ours. Even though baseball's been over for two months they took right back up with each other. And yet, his mother who I sat next to, for what a million games, didn't even look my way. To be fair, we didn't talk during the season either. Maybe she's like me. Not unfriendly once you get to know her, but not one to make the first move.

What happens to us as adults? How do we lose that ease for making friends? I guess we can't just go and take the other's hand, titling them, "my girl." But what do we do then? Maybe I'm the only one with this problem. I don't even think this woman is someone I care about being friends with. But how can I decide that when I've never even tried? Bottom line, I just don't like to make the first move.