The Writing Process

I have wanted everything as a writer and a woman, but most of all a world changed utterly by my revelations.
-Dorothy Allison

Oh, the writing process.  The bad thing about deciding you’re a writer, is that you actually have to write.

My blog writing process seems to be quite different from any other writing process in my life. In fact, my writing processes vary as my writing projects vary.  I read, recently, a writer share that she couldn’t work on more than one writing project at a time. I get that.  It’s easier to focus on wherever the flow is currently headed. But that’s not always possible.  And each process or project is necessary in its own way.  I write for school, I write for work, I’m working on my novel (which still is sometimes hard to actually say.  I always feel like I’m in a movie scene of a dinner party and that’s a line I’m supposed to deliver,  embarrassedly) and I blog.
Blogging, by far, is the hardest. Because I can’t hide behind a character.  Because I can’t employ the formality required in an essay.  Because there’s not a deadline.  Because it’s just me here, talking to you and I don’t know you or even if there really is a you. Because a lot of times, hitting post feels like publishing my journal.

The flow is different, too.  If I stay away too long, it’s hard to return.  If I have an idea and I don’t start writing about it immediately, chances are, that idea is either going to be gone by the time I’m poised at keyboard or I will have talked myself out of it. Because it’s just pure me here and I try not to have an agenda.  I don’t want to preach or teach.  I have no stockpile of lessons to share.  I don’t consider myself an expert on any one thing.  I don’t want to convince anyone of anything.  I just like to write.  And sometimes, I get to believing that maybe, just maybe, God wants to use my words to touch others.  So I come here to ‘practice’ and to share.  And the hope is that maybe, whatever’s on my heart or mind that day, might also be on someone else’s.  And if I can share the grace or the hope I’ve found, or if I can just be another voice saying, it’s okay to be human.  It’s okay to not be an expert, to not be Molly Homemaker, to not be called to preaching or teaching, to say I’m just trying to make it through the day myself. 

Whatever.  I’m just sharing me.  With words.  Because that’s what I do. 
And a lot of the time, this writing is for me.  It’s honesty and healing.  Where I sort and seek and find.  And so in that, it is similar to my other writing.  The more I do it, the more I learn about myself and the more it comes- the ideas, the inspiration, the renewing.  And when I’m willing to be here, frustrated or scared to share something but I do it anyway, it’s amazing to realize that I’ve been met.  And no matter what happens after I hit post, the process within me has already occurred.


I am certain I will continue to have the same boldness to speak freely that I always have. I will let God use my life to bring more honor to Christ. Philippians1:20 ERV

Source: wordcandy.me via Nicole on Pinterest

At Mama Kat's

Procrastination

I have not been able to blog lately.  I'm not entirely sure what the problem is.  I continue to start posts and then realize I'm saying nothing so I save for later.  Going back, I find nothing worth revising.

I've been more tired than usual so that could have something to do with it.  But really, I think I'm just dry.  Spiritually dry and nothing is flowing.

I was telling my sponsor the other day how incredibly busy I was.  This, my excuse for not making step work a priority.  And I believed what I was saying.  Until a few days ago when I was on the computer playing spider solitaire (which I think may need to be uninstalled) and I realized, Oh, well here's some extra time I'm just wasting.

So, is it procrastination? Avoidance?  I don't know.  But I know that the more time I spend in the Word, the more enlightened and inspired I feel.  The more I allow myself to get trapped in pointless time sucks like Facebook or Words with Friends, the more blah I feel.  Hungry but not satisfied.

And there's a million things I should be feeling inspired about.  The kids are starting school, my own life is changing in a drastic and good way very soon and I have an opportunity I've only previously dreamed about.

Maybe I feel like I'm on hold.  Or in limbo.  The kids start school Friday.  I start my new endeavor next week and my dream opportunity is waiting only for me to finish the hard work.  And I keep thinking when all that starts, I'll get a new schedule, really get down to work. But that's a bit ridiculous.  So.....I'm posting.  Crap or not.  Because not doing so seems to leave me in a rut.


Or maybe I can get a job playing spider solitaire.

So, after I posted, I even found myself motivated to write poetry.  That's how the flow works.

Source: designeriphone.tumblr.com via Nicole on Pinterest

If you feel like a little Edward Taylor

From:  Preparatory Meditations (Prologue)
“…If it its Pen had of an Angel’s Quill,

And sharpened on a Precious Stone ground tight,

And dipped in liquid Gold, and moved by Skill

In Crystal leaves should golden Letters write,

It would but blot and blur, yea, jag, and jar

Unless Thou mak’st the Pen,and Scrivener.

I am this crumb of Dust which is designed

To make my Pen unto Thy Praise alone,

And my dull Fancy I would gladly grind

Unto an Edge on Zion’s Precious Stone.

And write in Liquid Gold upon Thy Name

My Letters till Thy glory forth doth flame.

…Inspire this crumb of Dust till it display

Thy Glory through’t: and then Thy dust shall live.

Its failings then Thou’lt overlook, I trust,

They being Slips slipped from Thy Crumb of Dust.

Thy Crumb of Dust breathes two words from its breast,

That Thou wilt guide its pen to write aright

To Prove Thou art, and that Thou art the best

And show Thy Properties to shine most bright.

And then Thy Works will shine as flowers on Stems

Or as in Jewelry Shops, do gems.”

The Poems of Edward Taylor

That search for balance

I may be back.  In fact, most likely, I will be coming here again....I just don't want to make any promises.

I took time away from here in order to spend time with the kids, to work on the house, to feel less pressure.  And it was good.  It's amazing how clean the house has been looking.  And I found myself sitting more often with the kids outside of school work.  Just playing or talking.  So, in certain ways, it seems that maybe I shouldn't return to blogging.  But I've also missed writing.  That balance is just so extremely hard to find, isn't it? I really don't think we as women (or humans) can have it all.  I think that often, we are forced to choose.  Even if everything I want to do in any given day is wonderful and worthy, maybe it's just that some of it is for a different season.  So, that's why I say I may be back.

I am back in school.  After a five month break.  Yes, the one month for NaNoWriMo turned somehow into five months.  So, that means I am forced to my computer anyway.  Which may mean that poised, with fingers on keyboard for school, will in turn lead me to write here.  Or it may be that the addition of my school affords me even less time. We shall see.

But today, I'm grateful to be here....even if just for a few moments.


- God answering heart prayers
- feeling fresh and renewed after spring break
- spray paint on garage sale furniture
-old photos
-lemon heads
 - thrift store decorating



- a small church where we as a family can get involved
 - this place and time away
- not having to make up my mind

My job

Confession:  (This is a huge one)

I've been resenting my kids lately.  That's terrible, I know. God forgive me.  It's the truth.

I've been restless, irritable and discontent. Denying the fact, for weeks, that I want more time to myself, less mess in my life, less kid chaos, maybe even less time with them, entertaining the fantasy of putting the older two in school. So I could have more me time.

Yes, these thoughts would crop up and I would hush them, not even wanting to admit them to myself. And I would drudge through another day, not giving my children my best.

And then last night, as I lay in bed, this feeling of incredible and huge gratitude came over me.  Unparalleled gratitude for my children.  The reminder that they are gifts, pure and simple. And that I have been called to raise them, lovingly and to put in my best efforts.  And that right now, this is my job.  Because it is a job.  But it's a job I'm blessed to have.

And I was thinking, too, about how my life used to feel so much simpler.  A lot of things went into that but part of what's different is the amount of time spent on my writing.  Though I love it, though I know it, too, is God given, it also takes a lot out of me.

Laying in bed, I remembered how when the first two were young we had all day at home together, and so much got done around the house, as well as in them, in their own personal growth.  More than I feel they've been receiving from me lately.  More than the two little ones have maybe ever received.

And back then I wasn't blogging.  The internet ten years ago, also did not seem to consume me like it does now.  I hardly remember using the computer at that time.  Finally, I wasn't working on any writing project.

And life seemed nice.  So, I made the decision to, for a period, even if only for a few weeks, put all my writing on hold. I have a long life ahead of me and there will be plenty of time to pursue certain goals in the future but my children will not be the ages they are now for long.  And I want to pour more of me into them.  I want to stop holding back parts of me for me.  I want to have more time just to play with them, to work on chores while they work on workbooks.  I just want to find a bit more ease in the now that we are in.

 I know it looks like I haven't been blogging much anyway.  But that doesn't mean that my mind hasn't been on the blog.  There's a pressure I place on myself even when I don't actually make it here.  So I'm lifting that for now.  I'm going to try to recreate a bit of the old days.  Days when I was still in total awe of my children and days when I didn't want it all.  Days when I knew that I needn't strive and I understood that God had me right where He wanted me to.

Days that were less about me and more about them.



submitting at Weekend Reflections

Real Life

It is 5:41 am.  I have been awake since four am and out of bed since 4:30 am.  So forgive if this post is less than polished.

Funny, that for so long, I've been desiring to rise early and write.  And yet the plan was to be up before the kids to write in silence.  I just never seem to be able to get up before them.  And even this morning, I am up because they are up.  Why they were wide awake at four is beyond me, but after hushing them for a half hour to no avail, I stated that we might as well just get up.

I decided to take advantage of the sunless morning sky and write and yet, not without the chaos of the children,who are already loud as they are at any given hour of the day.  Please, Lord, don't let this hour become a habit.


Envisioned life, is me writing in quiet with coffee to a sunrise, greeting the kids with a smile as they wake hours after me.

Writing anyway at this hour, with four kids in four different directions appears to be real life.

for Five Minute Friday

Deeper

Update:

This last week has been rather magical.  I've been happily wallowing in writing time  As I go deeper into my story, I go deeper with God. And I am loving my searching main character. I have just a hint of what she finds and I'm excited for her. I just feel God's hand over me as I write and if nothing else, this is for me and Him.



"What is a novel if not a conviction of our fellow-men's existence strong enough to take upon itself a form of imagined life clearer than reality and whose accumulated verisimilitude of selected episodes puts to shame the pride of documentary history?" - Joseph Conrad

submitting at Playdates

Day 2 update and a confession

It feels a bit magical so far, Novel Writing Month.

It seems that God is for it and I am being beckoned in by Him.

My school approved this month off.  Brett's parents are in town this week and have had the kids.  And I'm even here for a brief moment because I went over the word count goal yesterday!  5 pages of a brand new story has unfolded and I'm excited to see what comes!

One confession here:  Although I'm enjoying all the writing time I'm also missing the children.  They've been spending the night away - all of them- and being only a writer and not a mom would be sad and lonely, I've discovered.

November Looming

I'm wondering what November's going to look like for me.

I still feel conflicted on the subject of blogging every day.  In a certain sense I feel a little free when I let a day go by without coming here.  But then I grow inexplicably worried that if I don't write here every day something will happen.  What, I don't know.

I did have a clarifying realization recently: blogging is something I've really been able to stick with, without growing bored.  Yes, I've experienced days of burn out or frustration and even writer's block but not boredom.

This is a big deal because my interest does wane easily.  Case in point, the paper mache flowers I was so gung ho on making Thursday night, which have been laying unfinished and untouched ever since.  I'll get back around to it someday.  Maybe.  The point is, that often I start out excited about a project or an undertaking and I enter in full force only to lose my desire half-way through.  Not so with blogging.  So I wonder, does this mean I should be doing it? Or is 'should' not even an appropriate word? And then I come across things like this:

and it resonates.

  But too, I need to look at Ann Voskamp's Blogger's Prayer, often.

And now November is here.  Which means what? It means that with Thanksgiving, two of the children have birthdays, I start a new class tomorrow....and I'm signed up for NaNoWriMo.

K.D. Storm describes it as, "NaNoWriMo is where somewhat sane people come together in November to write a 50,000-word novel in 30 days. There is no spell check, editing, or any other form of polishing. It is writing at its purest form. The whole idea is to sit in the chair and write until your heart is content (or you succumb to madness). "

A whole new exciting problem project!

 I was pretty positive that I'd at least give it a shot this year.  Until I saw the math. 50,000 words in one month equals close to 1700 words per day.  Per day.  With school papers and blogging?  And kids and life?  And housework and homeschooling and husband care?  Hmmm.

But, I gotta give it a go.  There's a good chance that by November 2nd, I'll have come to my senses.  Then I'll just try again next year. I'm pretty sure there's no penalty for repeated attempts.

And so, it will be interesting to see what November brings.

Writing Helps

I may not be able to stay away.  Yes, the obsessiveness may just be too much.

I think I have a fear that if I don't write, I'll forget how.

I'm sure I won't really forget but there is something to be said about staying in flow.  Staying in practice.  In times past, when I've abandoned writing, it has been hard to pop back in.  But on the flip side there's the issue of just not always having something to say....or at least something appropriate to say.  Because I always have a million thoughts racing around, it's just that they're not all edifying.

And then, too, I feel an urge to write for a purpose.  A reason.  To let God speak through me.  For whoever He chooses.

Because there's so much sadness, so much misunderstanding, and so many people who need to hear, in this world.  And writing helps me to hear.

submission for just write  

Night Writing

I'm trying to blog at night then post it in the day.

 I'm not sure it's working for me.  I type now and lack that usual sense of place.  That rush I'd get from taking my time out during the day, away from the kids, aiming for the higher.

But it seems I've been too busy and things that shouldn't be are falling by the wayside.  So, I'm trying this night time writing.

The kids should have been in bed forty minutes ago.  My husband should have been home two hours ago.

Instead, the kids are frosting cupcakes with my dad overseeing.  I passed it off so I could come here.

So maybe this isn't working either.

By this time of day my brain is getting mushy.  I'm ready for silence and relaxation.  I can't tap rightly into that area I need to be in for writing.

But...there is bending with life.  Rearranging.  Trials.  So, we shall see what happens.

Communal Global

It has meant much to me to be able to come here daily.  I am wondering if it is not to be for now.

I feel a strange loss for words.

Perhaps, I should try to write through it.... but I'm not certain enough on that.

    Maybe I just need to lower my standards.  

So, today, here, this is all I have.