That I will know

"Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb ¹² and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

 ¹³ They asked her, “Woman,^[a] why are you crying?”

   “They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” ¹⁴ At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

 ¹⁵ He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”

   Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”

 ¹⁶ Jesus said to her, “Mary.” John 20:10-16 (TNIV)

On Sunday, testimonies were given.  One woman shared that like Mary Magdalene, her Jesus had been dead. She said, she had grown up in a religion which left Jesus on the cross and that eventually, she realized that she no longer believed.  Until she heard Jesus speak her name. Not literally, not audibly; but discernibly and she knew that He was alive. 

I shared yesterday, that I have struggled with doubt, that I have felt the emptiness, the loneliness of unanswered prayers.  Of a Jesus who seems absent at best and dead or nonexistent in the worst moments.

But, too, I have heard my name spoken by the one who is closer than a brother. And might it be that like Mary, there have been times, even, when I face Him and I don't recognize Him. When I weep, not realizing He is standing before me.

"Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles^[a] from Jerusalem. ¹⁴ They were talking with each other about everything that had happened. ¹⁵ As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; ¹⁶ but they were kept from recognizing him.

 ¹⁷ He asked them, “What are you discussing together as you walk along?”

   They stood still, their faces downcast. ¹⁸ One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, “Are you only a visitor to Jerusalem and do not know the things that have happened there in these days?”

   ¹⁹ “What things?” he asked.

   “About Jesus of Nazareth,” they replied. “He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people. ²⁰The chief priests and our rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; ²¹ but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place.²² In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning ²³ but didn’t find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive. ²⁴ Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but him they did not see.”

 ²⁵ He said to them, “How foolish you are, and how slow to believe all that the prophets have spoken! ²⁶ Did not the Messiah have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?”²⁷ And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself.

 ²⁸ As they approached the village to which they were going, Jesus continued on as if he were going farther. ²⁹ But they urged him strongly, “Stay with us, for it is nearly evening; the day is almost over.” So he went in to stay with them.

 ³⁰ When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. ³¹ Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight. ³² They asked each other, “Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?”

 ³³ They got up and returned at once to Jerusalem. There they found the Eleven and those with them, assembled together ³⁴and saying, “It is true! The Lord has risen and has appeared to Simon.” ³⁵ Then the two told what had happened on the way, and how Jesus was recognized by them when he broke the bread. Luke 24:13-35(TNIV)

Not recognizing him, still they urged him to stay with them.  Communing with him, their eyes were open and after his departure they realized they should have known Him.  "Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us...and opened the Scriptures to us?"  So it is with us.  Often we experience this heart burning and credit it not to the Source.  It is not until later we realize.  

In Mark 16:12-13 the same story says,   "Afterward Jesus appeared in a different form to two of them while they were walking in the country."

So though God is the same yesterday as today, could it be that because He can take on different forms sometimes we are so caught up looking for Him as He appeared to us in the past that we miss Him in the  present?

I pray the eyes of my heart will be open. That I will sit at the table He has invited me to and commune with Him.  That as Jesus' body was broken, and as He continues to break bread with me, to open the Scriptures to me, that the Word might come alive in my heart and my soul and that I will know that it is with Him that I daily walk.

He is risen!

At service last night, our pastor read from the Bible about the Last Supper. Today, I can't seem to find the specific version or gospel he read from but I thought I heard the words, 'Jesus looked at them'. And then it seems my mind finished that sentence with the words,  'with compassion' which is apparently somewhere else in scripture... but I think God knew that's what I needed to hear.  What I needed to take away from the sermon. This idea of Jesus looking at those he loved with compassion, knowing the pain he was about to endure but feeling their coming pain as well.  He knew he would soon be crucified.  That he would be placed in a tomb... and that it was going to look very bleak, very dark and very hopeless.

"It was just before the Passover Feast.  Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father.  Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love." -John 13:1 NIV

He then washes their feet, which is symbolic of the cleansing which we receive by accepting Him, made possible only by His sacrifice.  It shows, too, His servant's heart and is a lesson to us as to how we are to love.

But beyond this, I can imagine Jesus showering those He loved with His love, knowing full well the agony they were to endure in the next few days. He knew that they would feel abandoned and hopeless.  That they would doubt.  They would now question if He was who He said He was.

 I can sometimes identify with that hopelessness. That desperate plea of, "I want so much for you to be who you say you are."

There have been times in my life where I have thought, "God. I need you to be real. But I just don't know if you are."

These times come when to my weak eyes, all seems dark. And I'm not feeling his presence. I'm not getting answers.  The way ahead does not seem clear.  And so there's this need.  This emotion which becomes a prayer offered up out of hope, out of obedience: "I have  hinged my whole life on Your existence and Your truth. I am nothing without You. Oh, God, please be real."  

Jesus knew His disciples would experience something similar. He knows beforehand when I will.  But He also knew that right when it looked the darkest, and as if all hope was lost, He would rise victoriously.  He knew that the darkness was necessary for the miracle.  For the healing.  The Resurrection.

He tells them as plainly as He can.

 He says, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me...I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to where I am going." John 14: 1,4 NIV.

 And his disciples debate him. Thomas basically says, "Uh, no we don't."

Jesus answers, "Believe me when I say that I m in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least in the evidence of the miracles themselves."John 14:11 NIV

I hear him say to me, "Try and remember when it's dark what you've seen. The miracles I've performed in your life already."

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you...Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27 NIV

"Now I am going to him who sent me....  Because I have said these things, you are filled with grief. But I tell you the truth:  it is for your good that I am going away....I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear." John 16:5-7,12

And again they don't get it.  And He goes to the cross. And is buried. And they doubt, and they seem to forget what He told them.

And I, too, can forget. I experience these dark times where I feel like it's hopeless. Like maybe I had it all wrong. And I forget what He's done for me in the past. That He left with me peace, That it is all for my good.  That He cannot reveal it all to me right now.

But today, the day after we celebrated His Resurrection, I am reminding myself of past miracles. I am resting in the knowledge of all He has told me in the past. I am trusting that anything which appears bleak can be conquered by Him who conquered the grave.


Favourite photo monday

Always found

After Christmas confession:

This has been the worst Christmas for me ever.  It's now over so I hope it's safe to say that.  My favorite part of the season was the  Shabba-Chanukah party we attended Friday night.  Does that tell you anything?

Christmas Eve day, I tried desperately to keep it together while taking care of my last minute wrapping and keeping the kids entertained but clean and ready for service.  I was painting a smile on my face but when I realized that six gifts had gone missing(?) I lost it. Not in front of the kids, but alone, the tears came.

And I started thinking.  Maybe, there were tears that Mary cried on the day before Jesus was born.  Or in the months leading up to.  She would have been hormonal, right?  And stressed even.  She was pregnant with God's son. Not Joseph's.  They were journeying far.  And they arrive at their destination only to find 'No room at the inns.'  Maybe she broke down a little.  So, perhaps, waiting for Jesus, it's okay to cry under the pressure, wanting so badly the relief of his arrival.

And then I thought some more.  I remembered the song 'The Little Drummer Boy'.  And I prayed that me letting the kids make gingerbread cookies and ornaments would be enough for Jesus. He knew my heart wasn't in it this year.  But I did what I could.  I gave what very little I possessed.

And then I found the presents.  And we made it to church.  And that was beautiful.  We ate Chinese food and read a Christmas story before bed and all in all it turned out okay.

Christmas morning, I tried to keep things jolly as well.  We opened presents, and messed the house royally with polly pocket shoes, puzzle pieces, and play-do and at noon when the kids left, I again let the tears come.

But it's okay.  Jesus is here.

We never did find the thumbnail Jesus from our nativity.  And the last few weeks, every store I've been in I've looked for a replacement nativity....with no luck.   I found one finally, on Saturday.  So I bought it.  It's still in its packaging to save it from the three year old's violent hands but I may just open it and take out baby Jesus.... to hold Him, to remind me that He can always be found.


submitting at Playdates with God

Finding Jesus (Always)

I have a Nativity which I've had since I was a little girl. It is nothing special but I love it. It brings back childhood memories. Every year I display it somewhere accessible. I want the kids to be able to play with it, touch it like I did when I was young. Every year something gets broke and we have to super glue it back together. This year, it was one of the wise men. His hands holding his gift broke off and he is waiting repair in the kitchen. And every year Baby Jesus goes missing, sometimes more than once. He is small, smaller than my thumb. But he's always found.
I was thinking how metaphorical this feels for me right now. Every year, I have to consciously look for Jesus. It seems that though this holiday is supposed to be about Him, He is easily lost. It seems that each year, I feel less in the spirit. This year has been very hard. I've felt very convicted about the commercialism of the holiday. And the money spent on my family when we really don't need anything. Brett and I decided not to exchange gifts. We spent that money we would have used for ourselves to buy chickens and rabbits through the Gospel for Asia catalog. But still. I still feel empty. Shopping isn't as fun as it has been in years passed. I feel burdened and heavy with other's pain.
But I think this is where I'm supposed to be. Maybe Christmas isn't merry. Maybe it's an ache for Jesus and we feel it all the more this time of year. It becomes more evident, our need for Him when we're surrounded by the carols, the shopping, the giftwrap, that there's so much more. That we have drowned out his voice. Everyday I need to look for Him in the chaos. Remember that without Him there is not a Christmas or a nativity. Mary and Joseph, the remaining wise men, right now, on my piano, they are all looking off in different directions as if even they, ceramic, know there is something missing. They yearn. Why are they there if not for him?
He is somewhere here. I have to find him.

12/5/11

In response to Mama's Losin It Prompt: Blast from the past


Wow.  It's been quite the year.  Last Christmas we were still in cold country.  We were still.... a lot of things that we no longer seem to be.

And still, I am looking for Jesus.

Somewhere before our move to Phoenix, I found baby Jesus from that old nativity set.  I put him in my pocket.  Maybe not the smartest move but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought that from there, I had placed him in my jewelry box for safe keeping but alas, he is again not to be found. And so as we were setting up the nativity this year, I explained to my kids that the baby was missing once again.  Well, lo and behold, a few days later they found a replacement baby Jesus from a box with a different nativity.

So that one lasted a couple of hours.

The two little ones fought over him (yes, over Jesus) and he broke.  Baby Jesus is in two pieces. Wow, even that is symbolic isn't it? He is the bread, broken.

And, too, Joseph's head is off as are some of the wise men.  Thank the Lord for super glue.  But even that might mean something, as anyone involved in the birth of Christ had to be broken enough to receive him, to submit to His will, His glorious plan.

And this season, I am broken.  I am still searching for Jesus. Advent has a very personal meaning this year. This waiting on Him.   Maybe Christmas isn't merry. Maybe it's an ache for Jesus and we feel it all the more this time of year....Mary and Joseph, the remaining wise men, right now... they are all looking off in different directions as if even they, ceramic, know there is something missing. They yearn. Why are they there if not for him? 


This year I feel so much is missing.  Might I remember that Jesus is who I'm really looking for, who I'm to yearn for. The ache I feel can be relieved by Him alone.

Mary's Song:


 And Mary said:

   “My soul glorifies the Lord
 ⁴⁷ and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
⁴⁸ for he has been mindful
   of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
 ⁴⁹ for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
   holy is his name.
⁵⁰ His mercy extends to those who fear him,
   from generation to generation.
⁵¹ He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
   he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
⁵² He has brought down rulers from their thrones
   but has lifted up the humble.
⁵³ He has filled the hungry with good things
   but has sent the rich away empty.
⁵⁴ He has helped his servant Israel,
   remembering to be merciful
⁵⁵ to Abraham and his descendants forever,
   even as he said to our fathers.” -Luke 1:46-55