First Pull From the Archives

The why of why I write, written because I read Ann VosKamp in the morning and her writings remind me of why I want to write, why I should be bold enough to do so and make me wonder why I lose my focus, meaning my understanding that all I do should be for His glory. I don't seek to be a teacher. I seek to be God's student. If it is in writing that I am able to do this, I will. But I want not to strive, and I too easily get caught in striving. I seek to please, but forget who it is I'm pleasing. And so I find most my writings on this blog seem apologetic. Because I still trust too much in myself and not enough in God. I question all motives when I feel His voice is drowned out. I desire peace and the knowledge that He will not let me stumble if I allow Him to direct my ways. This is His promise to me. Do I believe it? Do I even understand it? Why do I always feel so stuck in the middle? The middle to me means uncertainty, stagnancy, the inability to make a move of any sort. How do I find the freedom Christ wants for me and balance it with the certainty that I'm in His will? I don't have these answers yet.

God, could my writing be used, then, as a journey toward these answers, toward new revelations, toward rest in You? Could my whole day be one of praise because it is in praise when I most feel Your presence and the safety it brings. It is in the noises of this world I feel shaky and lost. I want to hear Your voice more than any other.

Something as holy as these holidays we're coming up upon, throws me off. How is that? How has it become about Black Friday and meals and wish lists? For me? When I hear you remind me that this world is not my home, when I know your desires for me do not come from the busy places here, but in the quiet places of the heart. Why do I fight these earthly desires when the knowledge You've given me shows me that these desires don't bring peace? And so this fear overtakes because I don't trust myself in this world, to enter out and not be consumed. God my prayer today and this season, which is Yours, is that You would keep me hidden, protect me from myself.

Oh, when the days don't go right. When I don't wake up early and prayerfully ask God to guide my day, when my failures expose themselves to me over and over, just in the mundane parenting tasks of a Saturday. How can I raise these children? For they are not mine. They are His and this is a difficult job. It is not lack of love, but lack of discipline on my part. I pray today for God to give me grace and patience and joy in what He has called me to. Again, I see so clearly the need for self to be eradicated. If it were not me, but Him living in me would these screams of theirs grate on me as much, would I feel overwhelmed just by the simple duty of getting them all dressed and ready, would I feel outnumbered or would God multiply my loaves and give me strength for the day? He would. He says we shall mount up on wings like eagles, there will be rest for the weary. Today I feel like it's all too much, like I wasn't cut out but these are lies. God, let me see Your truth. Let me accept Your peace, the peace which surpasses all understanding. You say You will not withhold wisdom and I desperately need it. I need it just to believe that You believe in me.

I gave up blogging a while back. My last post is proof that I had gotten snotty and angry in my posts. I didn't want to use my blogging as an excuse just to puke on people. And I questioned openly my motivations for blogging. I am back because of my own journey for significance. I have found my answer and it is an answer I know I will need to be reminded of time and again. My significance is in God. I am hidden in Christ. If you do not see in me only Christ and see, rather, me, then I am failing God. I want to be significant in the world's eyes. I worry about silly things like whether my blog has pictures on it. About whether anyone cares about what I have to say. I worry about whether I'll ever publish a book and will it be recognized. I worry about what I put on facebook. This is embarassing but it is true. I go to the blog A Holy Experience and I am blessed. I see Christ. I am brought to Christ. Am I to do this too? Bring people not to me, but to Christ? I know I am. Why do I worry about what I reveal about myself when I need to reveal God's grace and love only? So I am back. But it is not me. It will be Christ through me. If I fail in this, then I will back off again until I can return to what He calls me.