Tuesday, November 23, 2010

First Pull From the Archives

The why of why I write, written because I read Ann VosKamp in the morning and her writings remind me of why I want to write, why I should be bold enough to do so and make me wonder why I lose my focus, meaning my understanding that all I do should be for His glory. I don't seek to be a teacher. I seek to be God's student. If it is in writing that I am able to do this, I will. But I want not to strive, and I too easily get caught in striving. I seek to please, but forget who it is I'm pleasing. And so I find most my writings on this blog seem apologetic. Because I still trust too much in myself and not enough in God. I question all motives when I feel His voice is drowned out. I desire peace and the knowledge that He will not let me stumble if I allow Him to direct my ways. This is His promise to me. Do I believe it? Do I even understand it? Why do I always feel so stuck in the middle? The middle to me means uncertainty, stagnancy, the inability to make a move of any sort. How do I find the freedom Christ wants for me and balance it with the certainty that I'm in His will? I don't have these answers yet.

God, could my writing be used, then, as a journey toward these answers, toward new revelations, toward rest in You? Could my whole day be one of praise because it is in praise when I most feel Your presence and the safety it brings. It is in the noises of this world I feel shaky and lost. I want to hear Your voice more than any other.

Something as holy as these holidays we're coming up upon, throws me off. How is that? How has it become about Black Friday and meals and wish lists? For me? When I hear you remind me that this world is not my home, when I know your desires for me do not come from the busy places here, but in the quiet places of the heart. Why do I fight these earthly desires when the knowledge You've given me shows me that these desires don't bring peace? And so this fear overtakes because I don't trust myself in this world, to enter out and not be consumed. God my prayer today and this season, which is Yours, is that You would keep me hidden, protect me from myself.

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