Friday, March 2, 2012
Confession: (This is a huge one)
I've been resenting my kids lately. That's terrible, I know. God forgive me. It's the truth.
I've been restless, irritable and discontent. Denying the fact, for weeks, that I want more time to myself, less mess in my life, less kid chaos, maybe even less time with them, entertaining the fantasy of putting the older two in school. So I could have more me time.
Yes, these thoughts would crop up and I would hush them, not even wanting to admit them to myself. And I would drudge through another day, not giving my children my best.
And then last night, as I lay in bed, this feeling of incredible and huge gratitude came over me. Unparalleled gratitude for my children. The reminder that they are gifts, pure and simple. And that I have been called to raise them, lovingly and to put in my best efforts. And that right now, this is my job. Because it is a job. But it's a job I'm blessed to have.
And I was thinking, too, about how my life used to feel so much simpler. A lot of things went into that but part of what's different is the amount of time spent on my writing. Though I love it, though I know it, too, is God given, it also takes a lot out of me.
Laying in bed, I remembered how when the first two were young we had all day at home together, and so much got done around the house, as well as in them, in their own personal growth. More than I feel they've been receiving from me lately. More than the two little ones have maybe ever received.
And back then I wasn't blogging. The internet ten years ago, also did not seem to consume me like it does now. I hardly remember using the computer at that time. Finally, I wasn't working on any writing project.
And life seemed nice. So, I made the decision to, for a period, even if only for a few weeks, put all my writing on hold. I have a long life ahead of me and there will be plenty of time to pursue certain goals in the future but my children will not be the ages they are now for long. And I want to pour more of me into them. I want to stop holding back parts of me for me. I want to have more time just to play with them, to work on chores while they work on workbooks. I just want to find a bit more ease in the now that we are in.
I know it looks like I haven't been blogging much anyway. But that doesn't mean that my mind hasn't been on the blog. There's a pressure I place on myself even when I don't actually make it here. So I'm lifting that for now. I'm going to try to recreate a bit of the old days. Days when I was still in total awe of my children and days when I didn't want it all. Days when I knew that I needn't strive and I understood that God had me right where He wanted me to.
Days that were less about me and more about them.
submitting at Weekend Reflections