"I care less and less what people think."
This line from an Ani Difranco song has stuck with me for years. And the sentiment continues to actualize. I don't think I mean it in quite as an arrogant of a way as it sounds. In fact, I think that as we age, we should embrace a philosophy at least similar to this. We have to grow out of that intense self-consciousness adopted somewhere in junior high. We have to grow into ourselves.
Part of this contemplation arises as I find myself increasingly leaving the Christian 'box'. I can no longer write or speak from a place of conformity or necessarily, to what I think the good Christians want to hear. And yet, I also cannot be vague about the power of the gospel. It's a bit of a conundrum because who then is my audience?
There is so much more depth to Christianity than Christians want to confront. And as a Christian faced with the failure of a marriage, I have to be honest enough to admit what God is showing me - that, in fact, He is still with me. And this merciful reality speaks so emphatically to my heart that I can't be quiet about the love I am receiving in spite of all that is transpiring.
So I was driving and thinking about all this, listening to worship music and suddenly I was overcome with the knowledge of why "I am not ashamed of the gospel
because it is the ONLY thing that has the power to save"
I know that I have been saved. I know that He is here- with me. He has used my pain to bless me with the experience of his presence and his comfort.
Only when you are a sinner in need of this saving can you really appreciate this. Yes, we're all sinners but how many of us know it? Know it in the way that causes you to fall in love with Jesus. Knows it like the adulteress who Jesus saved from a stoning? The knowing, is what finally, causes me to say, "He is mine". Jesus is mine. How then can I not talk about Him?
"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."
1 Corinthians 1:18 NKJV
So it seems, that no matter how much my self wants to plan what I'm going to say, consider the audience question, analyze what type of 'genre' I ought to be placed in, etc, my soul which is solely Jesus' possesses a louder voice. And in the end, the only thing that really truly matters to me is God and sharing His love.