The list long, these sins.
And I'm heavy with other's burdens, fighting You on them, because I don't want them.
I want to be away with You, forgetting that You want that too but that what You desire is that I come away and lay these burdens down.
Maybe, I'm making it all about me.
And You bring me to Galations 6. And I know that every word there, I'm to be reading. I'm to be humbly, bearing the burdens. I should not grow weary in doing good.
And I know now why this healing hurts.
I am brought back to the place of my own burdens and the pain of what I had sown. And so now, the opportunity to do this good by prayer and bearing and sharing.
Faced with other's sins, I can make a choice. I can bear and pray and restore. Or I can recoil for fear of revisiting.
I come here and so often, I write, delete, write, delete, because I'm too afraid of sharing or facing my own hidden, long ago pain. I hear Your voice and I hide like Adam in the garden, out of fear.
I know I've been called and I'm willing....so long as. So long as, I can guard these certain things. So long as what I'm called to share isn't too risky. So long as, it's easy.
But You never said it would be easy.
And then I go to A Holy Experience and You challenge again. Always, challenging. And Ann Voskamp says she too has recoiled and speaks of vulnerability. And her words challenge.
She asks if You are leading me to serve.
So I manage to come here and offer this confession of how I want to serve but how fearful I feel.
And You know.
Lord, I do not know all You want to do with me and through me. I just want to be willing and able. And perfect love casts out fear.
I pray, too, for all the women You are amazingly using to write Your words. And for the She Speaks Conference for women like me with stories from You.