"But when we pray, 'Hallowed be thy name,' if there is any degree whatsoever of sincerity or openness, or honestness, we are really praying, 'Lord, I open to you every closet; I am taking every skeleton out for you to examine. Hallowed be thy name.'"
-From Jesus Teaches on Prayer by Ray C. Stedman
So, painful though it is, I must be on the right track, saying, as the Psalmist did, "Search me O God and know my heart."(Psalm 139)
And things are cropping up. My attitudes are being shown to me for what they are. Yes, as the hardness is thawing, I'm finding weeds overgrown which need to be pulled.
When anger is my first reaction, God's digging deeper, telling me, "No, your anger is masking fear. Your anger is covering up the fact that your feelings were hurt."
I haven't wanted to see that. Because it all comes back to pride. Pride is the emotion that protects me, or so I seem to believe. Because it takes guts to admit to fear, to hurt feelings. It risks embarrassment. How much easier to leap straight to anger, justifying it by finding fault in the recipient.
But I have to do this. I have to continue, in courage, this process of examination, of being seen. Tozer says in The Pursuit of God, "...the man seeking mercy looks straight at the God of mercy and never takes his eyes away from Him till He grants mercy."
Every inclination, every motive, every thought process, must go straight to God.