The kids have been in school for a mere week. And guess who doesn't like school? It's not the kids. They're enjoying it. I, on the other hand, am finding myself increasingly irritated by the system. I'm worrying that I might not be able to hang.
But there's a lesson in this, I think. I hope.
I yelled at Annika yesterday. I made her cry. I don't think I've ever done that before. And it was over something really stupid, my own issues- my crap.
On the way home from school, she told me that she had a hard day because it took her longer than all the other kids to get her work done. All the other kids were finished with their math and she was stuck. So she told the teacher that she was 'used to easy work. Not stuff like, 8+8'. Well, I sort-of freaked out when she related this to me. Because that's ridiculous. And I had no idea why she would say that. Clearly, she has bypassed simple single digit addition by second grade. So, in my not very gracious way, I think I yelled something about did she want CPS sent to our house. Not my finest moment.
I still don't know why she said that. And maybe she just felt the pressure of being in a class room setting and couldn't think. So, after I apologized, feeling like the meanest mom ever, she told me that when she looked around every one else was already done. We talked about how it wasn't a race. Sometimes, we can just draw blanks. I still feel like a jerk. Because, see how much this was about me? About me worrying that she's being a poor reflection on me? Making me look bad? And that kind of pressure is just as bad if not worse than any pressure she experiences at school.
So there's that and then there's the early waking required, the two hours spent driving per day, the teachers who may or may not be old enough to have fully formed brains and the daily lunch creations which include stressing about whether crackers are 'cool' or not This is the stuff that drives me nuts about 'the system'. The system which includes rules, stated and unstated. Someone else's rules. Whether the government creates them, the teachers or the 'popular' students, I feel the urge to rebel. And God is revealing this part of my nature to me. When my kids roll their eyes at me which is a new thing, or bicker more than usual, I want to blame the bad influences, the bratty kids that of course all other kids are (my tongue is inserted safely within cheek on this) and I really have to work to keep from saying snotty things about their teachers That's my huge confession. I am enacting self-control on that but after the third informative letter to all the parents was sent out, I had to hold back from telling True to tell his teacher that I don't want any more letters about stuff I don't care about. How about she does her job and I'll do mine. And then I remembered how teachers are always reminding us that this is a 'team effort' and that's exactly what makes me bristly. Because I don't work well in groups. If I want something done, I do it myself.
It's hard to hand my kids over to kids all day long.
I don't want to job share.
But yes, there must be a lesson in here. God must be trying to show me something. Maybe he's trying to teach me patience, or respect. Maybe.... He'd even like a little humility.