Sunday, February 13, 2011

All for God

So, I've had to take a break.

And I probably won't be posting every day anymore.

Here is my confession:

I have this crazy bent toward taking even the best of gifts from God and turning them into something they are not. I can take a blessing and put my smudgy little fingerprints of sin all over it.

This blog was not my idea. It was God's. I was opposed at first, but once I gave my heart to it, I fell in love with the process.

But then....

I plucked it right out of God's hands. I began demanding, impatiently, epiphanic, revelational truths to write.

I started pouting about my lack of readers.

Oh, this is painful to write.

In essence, I wanted possession.

And I possess nothing.

If I am to do this, then it's only as a servant. And I know when I am failing in sacrifice and abounding in self gratification.

So, I came into agreement with God, maybe not willingly, but obediently, and said that I would wait. I told Him I'd stop altogether if that's what He wanted.

"If we would indeed know God in growing intimacy, we must go this way of
renunciation." - Tozer

"And we shall need to steel ourselves against...piteous begging, and to
recognize it as springing out of self-pity, one of the most reprehensible sins of
the human heart." - Tozer

Maybe I'm being vague but let's just say, I had to put down my staff. And then put everything back in His hands. And today, He said, For today, 'take it by the tail'.

It's embarrassing to expose the fact that I could turn a little old blog into an idol. It's down right shameful to confide that I could use it as a means of placing expectations and demands on God. How my ego could somehow find a dwelling place in such a bitty spot in cyberspace, I don't know. Nor do I know how I could make this all about performance and desire for recognition. But, yes, I somehow managed to do all this and maybe more.

So, I may not be a daily writer anymore. If I'm feeling led by self rather than Spirit, I won't write.

All I want is to find God. If being here helps, then I will come. I don't know how many times I may have to throw down my staff or argue with God about my speech defects but today I'm on my face and humbled and grateful to know that He's called me just the same.

"Lord, how excellent are Thy ways, and how devious and dark are the ways of man. Show us how to die, that we may rise again to newness of life. Rend the veil of our self-life from the top down as Thou didst rend the veil of the Temple. We would draw near in full assurance of faith. We would dwell with Thee in daily experience here on this earth so that we may be accustomed to the glory when we enter Thy heaven to dwell with Thee There. In Jesus' name, Amen."

-A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

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