I thought, all this week, that I was experiencing writer's block, or merely short-term lack of inspiration.
But then, what I'd sort-of been ignoring came to the forefront of my mind; the truth. The truth that I've actually known what I've wanted to write about for a while. I've just been postponing
because I haven't wanted to reveal.
But I'm going to try.
That sermon on Sunday? Where the pastor told us that we were not promised health and wealth and perfect relationships? These were relatively easy ideas for me to swallow. I guess. But when the pastor declared, "Jesus was lonely," it got my attention.
My brain started immediately agreeing with this statement. It seemed highly plausible and profound.
Jesus didn't have a home.
He felt let down when His disciples wouldn't keep watch with Him because this meant that they didn't quite get it; this would lead to loneliness.
And also, I know that, "We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses." (Hebrews 4:16)
But still, I kind-of wanted Biblical proof of actual loneliness. I wanted to synchronize my notions with the facts.
The NIV says that "Jesus often withdrew to lonely places..."(Luke 5:16). But that sounds more like a choice.
So I kept looking and I found that this is obviously a subject that matters to others. Apparently others have googled the question "Was Jesus every lonely?"
You know what else others have googled? "How do you make a friend?" I know this because....
Ok, deep sigh, this is the revealing part that makes me cringe.
Because I'm lonely.
Because I'm the kind-of girl who counts on others to initiate friendships, who holds onto friendships forever, and who would rather just be lonely than go out on a limb and risk rejection.
And I've been all over the gamut on my feelings about this loneliness. I've given into it and wallowed in it; I've been grateful for it because it has lead me closer to God; I've denied it; I've embraced it as mine, giving it a special acceptance, and most recently, I've blamed it on Iowa, on the people who live here.
But truth be told, I'm sure I've experienced this at all times of my life on and off, maybe just the period of living in Iowa the longest.
I do think it can be a gift. I do think that surrounded by others, we can lose the inward search and the search for God. I do believe God knows this kind of pain. And I believe He uses it for seasons, to draw us near.
But I also think there are times, one has to cave in and google, "how to make a friend" And I say this because we are no doubt in a new era. An era which includes texting and Facebook and all other sorts of social networking and I think that there are ways which this is changing us (damaging us?).
When I was brooding over Border's bankruptcy, I found myself simultaneously imagining all the other wonderful things that might someday be devoured and disappear as we continue to progress or deteriorate, depending on how you want to look at it. And I started worrying about the phone. I know you're thinking, "The phone?! We'd never get rid of the phone." But wait, how many people (young people) use the phone much anymore? Other than for texting? Or checking their FB, or other similar tasks?
I realized that with the surge of facebook, the phone (as in talking on it) has taken a backseat in my life. Five, six years ago even, if I wanted to spend time with or talk to a friend or make a friend, I called her. And I still call my prefacebook era friends but most of the new friends I've made, well, facebook is our go to. We facebook about when we'll get together. And then we get together. But we miss out on that phone friendship. The kind of friendship where you talk almost every day and therefore don't need to bother catching up when you are together.
And, if we don't have to break the ice anymore by picking up the phone, calling to set a date for a get together, we probably won't then break into the easy phone type friendship that can be a lifesaver when you're a mom of young kids. But... I guess that's just the way things are going.
As far as advice I received from google? It said, "If you want a friend, be a friend." So, I went out on a limb and facebooked someone new.