I'm writing to you first before posting because I'm not in the place I want to be in in order to write on this blog. I so wanted to be more upbeat and positive. How am I going to show others Your grace and mercy and love if I'm constantly complaining? And God, I'm trying to be grateful. Thank you for the sun today and the sound of the snow melting which is so reminiscent of how the beginning of spring sounds but I found myself feeling angry instead of joyous! Ticked that the weather was being a trickster. Instead of reveling in today, I kept thinking about how I still have the month of January and February to get through.
And the kids. These are the days when I don't feel like they're good kids and I don't feel like I'm a good mom. And even right now, they're still up!!! The girls are chattering, not sleeping and I need this day to be over. They can be so strong-willed and I feel like a failure every time they disobey. Not a person who can help myself let alone anyone else.
I'm trying so hard to hear You, to do Your will. When will I know that this is enough? When will I feel Your delight?
But in my weakness You are made strong. I have to trust that somehow You are the stalwart strength in all of this and that through my utter weakness and my imperfections Your light will shine forth and draw people in. If I only allow my voice to recognize You and admit to the truth of who I am, then others, I pray might see the truth of who You are.