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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Coming into Light

I sometimes wonder if I imagined Iowa.  It feels like a dream I don't know how to interpret.   We've been here not two months but when I try to picture that old, tired house in the Midwest, the wretched winters, the daily routine; it all seems hazy - ages ago, a barely audible whisper of a time long gone.

Maybe, it's that we came 'home'.  To the familiar.  Perhaps, if we'd moved somewhere new and strange,  I would find myself missing Iowa.  Iowa would then hold the title of 'home'... but I can't quite picture that. 

 It feels like for five years someone put my life on pause.  And now that I'm back, life has resumed. 

But how can this be? This disconnect with Iowa doesn't seem grounded.   Half my married life was spent in Iowa, I gave birth to two of my children there, we started our own business, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, I started homeschooling.  A lot happened.  Why don't I remember it? 

Honestly, I don't have that figured out yet.  I wasn't terribly unhappy there.  Only slightly. 

I took a long course in contentment and I grew. Unaware, somewhat that I was growing.  And I know that I know that I know, I would not be who I am now had we not lived there.  I don't say that lightly.  That process of learning about oneself through heartache is priceless.   I learned about myself.  My marriage improved, because I improved, I began to better understand the value of friendship, within the lack thereof.  Where, in the first five years of my marriage, I was learning how to be a wife and mother and a hostess, in the last five, I learned how to be a Godly wife, a Godly mother, and a host for the Holy Spirit.

So here's the kicker.  Whatever was happening there, didn't feel like much at the time.  I was going through life one day at a time, trying not to cave to depression.  Sometimes I was successful, other times not.  But God was behind the scenes the whole time.  He allowed it to appear as though everything had been taken away.  My eyes, then, could not recognize fully all that He was giving me.

 I may not ever have this all figured out.  I may never be able to entirely see what exactly God's purpose and desire was for me but I know that He had one.  I know that He allowed it for His good.  For my holiness.

So, maybe, when it seems like not a whole lot is going on, that God's not at work, that we're in limbo, just waiting for time to pass, God is really working something on the inside.

 It's so hard to see clearly in the moments.  It's after the moments, however long those moments be, that slowly clarity emerges.   

12 comments:

  1. "That process of learning about oneself through heartache is priceless." This is a statement that in and of itself is priceless. This is a way of living that will lead you to a place of peace. I loved this!

    "My marriage improved, because I improved, I began to better understand the value of friendship, within the lack thereof." AMEN! I feel like you ripped a page out of my diary! That is something we need to TEACH our daughters! (and God must trust you will for He gave you 3)

    "It's so hard to see clearly in the moments. It's after the moments, however long those moments be, that slowly clarity emerges." This is why I loved being in my 40's...so much more clarity.

    Thank you for joining me in the Wednesday Hop! I am a follower now!

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  2. What a thoughtful post- it is so easy for me to go through days, weeks, months and remember so little as it seems blurred and unrecognizable. I appreciate your reminder that we see much of God's work in our life AFTER the time passes. We are always growing and I hope, like you I grow stronger. I hope I can look back and see that "Where, in the first ... years of my marriage, I was learning how to be a wife and mother and a hostess, (but now), I learned how to be a Godly wife, a Godly mother, and a host for the Holy Spirit." Thank you for your post!

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  3. Thank you Susan and Jackie. Jackie, now you have me excited for my forties. I felt so enlightened at thirty. I hope that by forty, I know more!

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  4. What a great post! I feel that way about my time in Nebraska now that we've moved home!

    http://galatians513.net

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  5. Life does take strange twists. We grow and learn all the time. Wisdom does come to us, it may take awhile, and sometimes not what we expect. Answers elude me often. :) Faith, is what I tell myself.
    Have a great week.

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  6. Contentment is learned, not given. You're a learner!

    COMPADRES

    Shadows above me,
    Shadows below;
    Some shadows swift and
    Some shadows slow;
    All of these shadows,
    It’s plain to see,
    Are my compadres—
    Sweet company!


    © 2011 by Magical Mystical Teacher


    Sweeping Shadows

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  7. I think we all struggle to be freed from the hard times we face in life...when actually we learn the most through those times and we do grow and change for the better. God knows what He is doing and we do need to trust Him no matter what.

    As a Christian I know that "all things work together for good to them that love God...to them who are the called, according to His purpose!"

    And you are so right...sometimes we don't even see it until way later...and then we look back and sometimes figure out how good came of it.

    Have a good Saturday!

    Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

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  8. Grace arrives through struggle and repose alike...

    http://cathykozak.com

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  9. nothing is random...god does have a plan...and many times we can not see it til much later...

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  10. oh, how i needed reminding of this today. nothing happens without him. he has a plan for everything and everyone. beautiful reminder, friend.

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  11. I really appreciate this post. We get so impatient sometimes, I think, to see things clearly...to understand how He's working. But we should be content in knowing He's doing His thing regardless of whether or not we can see it. Congratulations on returning home at all, let alone as a stronger, wiser person.

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