Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Paradox of Rest and Work

"Is it nap time yet?"  Yes.  Yes, it is.

In fact - confession: we are skipping swimming lessons today because the baby needs a nap, more desperately than usual and because mommy needs her to take a nap more desperately than usual.

 Exhaustion is a way of life for me.  That's okay.  I think it is for most moms. But some days, fatigue rules my choices.  And that's okay, too.  Most of the time, I can drink some extra coffee and power through, but on occasions, it's better to call a halt to normal activity and rest.  Because if I don't, that 'normal' activity can quickly turn to chaotic activity and I can quickly turn into my own version of a desperate housewife, an emotional, nervous wreck. And that is good for no one.

So, today, in lieu of swim lessons, I picked my dad up in true emergency fashion, said, "The baby needs a nap.  Can you watch the others while I do my homework?"  Okay, so I'm not doing homework. I'm blogging.  That's okay, too.  I am in okay mode.  Otherwise known as survival mode:  "Yes, you can have candy.  Yes, you can watch Wonder Pets.  Yes, you can act like wild banshees so long as Baba watches you and I can go in and blog."

Mama, said there'd be days like this.

And blogging is my intentional, quiet, processing, reflecting, praying time with God.  It really is.  As I write, I learn.  What I learn, I write.  I'm fed here.

My work in this life is to grow a family.  I can't work if I'm starving.  So, I find nourishment through this intentional time 'away'.   And then I can intentionally turn the television off, hand out markers rather than candy and supervise the kid's craziness on the trampoline rather than allow them to jump on their beds because I'm too tired to tell them to stop.

I read a blog yesterday called, "If This Was My Last Blog Post".  Funny, that in the beginning of my blogging journey, I wrote every post as though it might be my last.  There was so much trepidation involved with not only sharing my thoughts but birthing them as well, as by nature, I can tend to neglect the inner.    That "Publish Post" button got me every time, as did the "Share" button. I was afraid of the 'reverse narcissism'  Danny Brown talks of in his 'last blog post' exercise. But now that fear has lifted.  As I continued to come here, I grew more confident.  I grew, period.  I continue to grow.  I don't mean in my writing, I mean in my person.  God has used this opportunity to bring me closer to Him, to convict me, to cheer me on, to prompt me in my learning.  I've realized that it's humility, not pride, that is allowing me to share.  To confess.  Obedience is the tool by which I have found an open, willing 'platform' to admit that I'm not perfect.  To share both my struggles and my joys.  To, hopefully, along my journey, freely give to others what has freely been given to me.

So, here I find rest and here I find work.

This, intentionally, will not be my last blog post.

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