Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Thoughts of the Past Tuesday

I'm reading my journal from two years ago.  I don't know what on earth I was talking about.  Or what I was on. Just kidding.  But really, I was going through some major transformations in my relationship with God.  Some of what He was showing me for the first time was really amazing.  And I'm loving reading where I was at with Him then.

This was when I had just been diagnosed with ms and was really questioning.  And being questioned, too, I think.

Much of the beginning of that journal switches from 'journal speak' (which is just me writing to myself) to addressing God:"I'm so afraid.  Afraid of losing balance because practicality flees more every day.  Afraid of falling.  Falling further in love with You, my heart's desire.  Afraid of this new height because though I see expanse of beauty all below me, I know at any minute gravity could call...." -Oct. 4/09

Wow.  I wish I could say I stayed up there with Him.  I don't feel that I have but I do believe my relationship with Him has grown in leaps and bounds since I've been sick.

Another day - or maybe later that same day(I was crazy writing at that time) - I wrote (to God) "Sometimes I think You to be a big fan of oxymorons.  Cursed blessings/ blessed curses.  The need for earthly rest and nourishment but an overload of the brain which makes the aforementioned quite impossible, the fire that burns for you which melts our heart but fries our brain, shall I continue?"

I don't know what to think of it all.  I can see places where I know God was working with me on something and the job has not yet been finished.  And it's my fault- not His.  Areas He's asked me to let go of that I've held on tight.

Maybe, this, the point of rereading things.  

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