I'm coming to you today from a very strange place.
My older kids are gone for the week and consequently, I am wandering my house while the baby naps, not quite knowing what to do with myself.
And thoughts are racing without distraction.
I touched on something in my post yesterday which left me with a hollowness I didn't anticipate.
I generally do not struggle for words but though I prayed through that post, still, I hesitated and deleted.
And then, I wanted to discard it.
I felt exposed.
I hit publish and then instantaneously that gnawing came. That floppy feeling of panic. I was embarrassed. I don't think the range of my emotions really matched the actual subject matter but for whatever reason, I felt stupid.
I kept hearing the song Mad Season by Matchbox Twenty. And I waited around for it to GO.
But it wouldn't. And all these accompanying feelings of yuck popped up. Loneliness, disconnect, discontentment.
So here I am now, in this weird place, thinking this all through. What was/am I afraid of? That someone would try to disprove my notion that I was not not smart. How silly is that?
Confession: I hate it when people say they're smart. Hate it. Hate it hate it hate it.
Doesn't that seem a bit overly passionate?
Why do I hate it? I think because I grew up feeling like I had to prove myself. And like I couldn't. So now, as an adult, I don't even want to come close to anything that sounds like even healthy pride because I'm afraid it will come off as some sort of silly self-defense tactic. And, so then, hating it in others is merely projection.
But I can look at myself if I'm also looking at God. Because who I am has nothing to do with my intelligence or my beauty or my accomplishments. Who I am, is God's child. That's it. Period.
Lisa Whittle says this morning, " Funny, how the solo gaze of God feels crucial in our greatest moments of need; yet in our shaping moments, it feels intrusive and unbearable.We wish for deflection – for His eyes to glance to another."What does God want me to see or face or work through or admit, that I am trying to avoid?
Thankfully, God is gentle.
He says, "‘You are my servant’;
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:9
The version I read this morning in my Life Application Study Bible says, "For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand."
He takes hold of my hand, gently. He takes me to the mirror. And he says, "Don't be afraid."