Mirrors and God

I'm coming to you today from a very strange place.

My older kids are gone for the week and consequently, I am wandering my house while the baby naps, not quite knowing what to do with myself.

And thoughts are racing without distraction.

And...

I touched on something in my post yesterday which left me with a hollowness I didn't anticipate.

I generally do not struggle for words but though I prayed through that post, still, I hesitated and deleted.

And then, I wanted to discard it.

 I felt exposed.

I hit publish and then instantaneously that gnawing came.  That floppy feeling of panic. I was embarrassed.  I don't think the range of my emotions really matched the actual subject matter but for whatever reason, I felt stupid.

I kept hearing the song Mad Season by Matchbox Twenty.  And I waited around for it to GO.

But it wouldn't.  And all these accompanying feelings of yuck popped up.  Loneliness, disconnect, discontentment.

So here I am now, in this weird place, thinking this all through.  What was/am I afraid of?  That someone would try to disprove my notion that I was not not smart.  How silly is that?

Confession:  I hate it when people say they're smart.  Hate it.  Hate it hate it hate it.

Doesn't that seem a bit overly passionate?

Why do I hate it?   I think because I grew up feeling like I had to prove myself.  And like I couldn't.  So now, as an adult, I don't even want to come close to anything that sounds like even healthy pride because I'm afraid it will come off as some sort of silly self-defense tactic.  And, so then, hating it in others is merely projection.

But I can look at myself if I'm also looking at God.  Because who I am has nothing to do with my intelligence or my beauty or my accomplishments.  Who I am, is God's child.  That's it.  Period.  

Lisa Whittle says this morning, " Funny, how the solo gaze of God feels crucial in our greatest moments of need; yet in our shaping moments, it feels intrusive and unbearable.We wish for deflection – for His eyes to glance to another."

What does God want me to see or face or work through or admit, that I am trying to avoid?

Thankfully, God is gentle.

 He says, "‘You are my servant’; 
   I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you;
   do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  -Isaiah 41:9


The version I read this morning in my Life Application Study Bible says, "For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand."


He takes hold of my hand, gently.  He takes me to the mirror.  And he says, "Don't be afraid."