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Friday, August 12, 2011

Mirrors and God





I'm coming to you today from a very strange place.

My older kids are gone for the week and consequently, I am wandering my house while the baby naps, not quite knowing what to do with myself.

And thoughts are racing without distraction.

And...

I touched on something in my post yesterday which left me with a hollowness I didn't anticipate.

I generally do not struggle for words but though I prayed through that post, still, I hesitated and deleted.

And then, I wanted to discard it.

 I felt exposed.

I hit publish and then instantaneously that gnawing came.  That floppy feeling of panic. I was embarrassed.  I don't think the range of my emotions really matched the actual subject matter but for whatever reason, I felt stupid.

I kept hearing the song Mad Season by Matchbox Twenty.  And I waited around for it to GO.

But it wouldn't.  And all these accompanying feelings of yuck popped up.  Loneliness, disconnect, discontentment.

So here I am now, in this weird place, thinking this all through.  What was/am I afraid of?  That someone would try to disprove my notion that I was not not smart.  How silly is that?

Confession:  I hate it when people say they're smart.  Hate it.  Hate it hate it hate it.

Doesn't that seem a bit overly passionate?

Why do I hate it?   I think because I grew up feeling like I had to prove myself.  And like I couldn't.  So now, as an adult, I don't even want to come close to anything that sounds like even healthy pride because I'm afraid it will come off as some sort of silly self-defense tactic.  And, so then, hating it in others is merely projection.




But I can look at myself if I'm also looking at God.  Because who I am has nothing to do with my intelligence or my beauty or my accomplishments.  Who I am, is God's child.  That's it.  Period.  

Lisa Whittle says this morning, " Funny, how the solo gaze of God feels crucial in our greatest moments of need; yet in our shaping moments, it feels intrusive and unbearable.We wish for deflection – for His eyes to glance to another."
What does God want me to see or face or work through or admit, that I am trying to avoid?

Thankfully, God is gentle.

 He says, "‘You are my servant’; 
   I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
   do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  -Isaiah 41:9



The version I read this morning in my Life Application Study Bible says, "For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand."


He takes hold of my hand, gently.  He takes me to the mirror.  And he says, "Don't be afraid."  







4 comments:

  1. Wow! Very good post! If you realize God brought you to the place you are now, he will also lead you through it. I've said that to myself so many times! It's sometimes easier said than done, but just have faith!
    XoXoXo
    Joy
    visiting from Natasha's Pinning & Singing linky party.

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  2. This was indeed a powerful post but all of your posts are powerful and I really enjoy reading them! You write beautifully and I can tell that everything you say comes from the heart. I feel blessed to have met you via the miracle of blogging!

    Best wishes and thanks so much for joining in with my Pinning and Singing linky party!
    Natasha.
    xo

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  3. Thank you. I am loving meeting new people through linking up!

    ReplyDelete