Not About Me

God, these are the days that just seem to slip by.  Without purpose or substance.  But I know You are here.  I need reminding.

These are the days so full, but still I feel disconnected.  Empty.

 I need to give it all over once again.

And sometimes, I hear You but I don't want to listen.  Like the kids when I speak and they think that by ignoring me they won't have to do what I tell them.

Sharing is hard for me.  There are the days I can barely feel the ground beneath me and I want to isolate.  I don't want to talk.  I don't want attention.  I want to be plain and unseen.

  I hear what You are saying but you are stretching me and it feels scary.  I don't always feel like I can be obedient; though, I have seen over and over Your ability to transform and teach me.

"Central is the desire to step away from the meager emotions of a technocentric society in which superficiality leads to boredom and the breaking of contact with the mysterious powers of reality" Nouwen, "Intimacy"

When I'm in this space, disconnected, I want to shun everyone.  I want to be needless.

I hear You say these words are gifts. They are Yours and not mine.  They are free.  But at times to speak them feels so costly and risky.  But I am learning.  It's not about me. It's all about You, Jesus.